Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Hilarious

I should have read this months ago....a little article from AskMen.com. While I find AskMen's sex advice extremely impersonal and kind of "duh, I already knew that", this one made me laugh...I don't think I tried any of these specific positions with my soccer players, but I have a feeling I had way better sex with actual World Cup players, than women/men did using lame positions named after World Cup players...also, I think we need to create a Larry themed sexual position. OH MY GOD this could be a fun game...leave your Larry themed sexual positions in the comments box. Mine? BALD EAGLE. It's basically 69ing - having a bald head in your box. I'M SO WITTY.

Bend Her Like Beckham

David Beckham is known for bending balls at will all over the pitch, so we don’t consider it a stretch to assume that he’s also adept at bending his wife all over the bedroom. To be like Becks, bend your lady over an ottoman or something similar, as long as it provides a clear view of the footy match on telly, and strike away. We hear this is the position Becks and Posh used to conceive their three kids, so if you're not looking to have a little dribbler of your own, we suggest you wear a Robben.

The Lionel Messy

Lionel Messi s widely considered the best player on the planet, with a playing style as smooth as silk and a tendency to leave his opponents in shambles. So to honor the Argentinian soccer god, lie your partner down on your finest silk sheet, grab a few cups of chimichurri (Argentina's national condiment), lather her up, and go at it as though you're two rabid animals covered in a parsley, minced garlic, olive oil, red wine vinegar, and red pepper flakes marinade. And, as luck would have it, you are.

The Hand Of God

Maradona scored this famous goal with an illegal use of the hand, so as punishment, handcuff your lover to the bed, then use both hands to give her a truly religious experience. Use one hand to gently massage her clitoris while the other penetrates her vagina like a pseudo-penis. If performed correctly, we assure you the results will be anything but controversial.

The Golden Goal

There's perhaps no more satisfying feeling in football then scoring a coveted golden goal, a singular strike after full time that lifts one team to glory and sends another to shame. To mimic the epic event with your girlfriend, do the deed for a full 90 minutes while making sure not to climax. When the two halves are up, put a pillow under her butt, lift her hips, and bring her legs back toward her head. Now bring the victory home with a series of thunderous strikes until you both finally score. Finish up with some victory champagne.

The Full Back

For you North Americans out there for whom some soccer vocab is new, a full back in European football translates to a defender. But as they say in professional sports, the best defense is a good offense (or is it the other way around?). In that spirit, bend your sweetheart over, and give her the full back treatment, combining anal sex, two fingers in the vagina, and everything else in between.

A Hand In The Box

This move is highly illegal, but thankfully in the bedroom there's no referee. All girls like one finger in their vagina, and some women even like two. The more elastic ones can take three, and the adventurous take four. But this move is only for the women who need a full hand in the box for complete satisfaction. Ladies, we salute you.

The Slide Tackle

The slide tackle is one of the most violent plays in football, but this move's all about sensuality, baby. Oil your woman's entire body up, and slide your member slowly down her body, until she's begging for you to tackle her vagina. Just make sure once you tackle her, she won't pull a Ronaldo and fake it.

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