I know a lot of you have been wondering where I've been. And I apologize for the radio silence. But there's an explanation, and I've been waiting a few days to try to figure out exactly how to write it.
I have spent the last 7 weeks of my life trying to find normalcy in my life. I met a guy who was normal. And in my eyes, he was great. Everything I wanted, and I couldn't believe I had gotten so randomly lucky and found him. And I remember coming home from my second date with him and telling my mom that if things worked out with him, he'd be the guy I marry.
The last month of my life was spent basically in DC. On busses, cars, living out of a bag and spending every ounce of energy trying to prove myself as girlfriend worthy. I took a shot on guy that I thought had more potential than all of the guys - be they athletes or otherwise - I've encountered in the last three years combined. I did everything right, and for a while, so did he. And for the first time in a long time, I remembered how good it felt to fall asleep with someone's arm around me.
But at the end of the day, I've learned something. Whether they are star athletes, bankers, or guys who live 250 miles away working for the government, who seem totally normal, they are still guys. And they will still always hold the cards and they will still always end up hurting you in some way.
I spent the last week of my life wracking my brain to try to figure out what I did wrong. And I think you all know I'm pretty fucking good at admitting my crazy habits, at looking at a situation and seeing where maybe I came on too strong or did something stupid. I didn't fuck up. I didn't do anything wrong. The fucker flaked big time, and I just thought at 30, maybe that shit would be over. Maybe there'd be a little more maturity in handling situations. I was completely wrong. And this was not my fault. For once in my life, I put the very best of who I am on the table for this guy. And he couldn't even tell me. I had to call his ass and pull it out of him. It was like someone flipped a switch and I went from being ridiculously happy to feeling like there isn't enough Xanax in the world to make me numb to the shitty feeling I feel right now.
It was only 7 weeks. It was a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things. But for me, I felt like I had finally found someone that would end the bullshit chasing and longing and pointlessness of a lot of what I've gone through the last few years. I thought I had a good guy on my hands and I was so incredibly wrong. In fact, I was shocked at how big of a dick he became at the end.
I'm hurting. Believe it or not, underneath all the sarcastic, non-chalant bullshit, I am the world's biggest pushover. And I let my guard down with this guy because I thought he was different and I thought he wouldn't fuck me over. And after he stuck around for a couple of weeks, I thought I had finally figured it out.
Instead, I am sitting here at work, I feel like Jason Segel in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and I hate myself for wasting so much time on a dude who turned out to be just like the rest. I hate myself even more for missing him and wanting nothing more than to call him, knowing I can't.
I know you fuckers probably don't care about my sob story, and I know it doesn't fit in with the rest of the blog. But I knew I couldn't not make a comment about the state of the blog, and I don't know how else to get this shitty feeling of loss off my chest other than writing it out. I am hurting Chasers. I haven't felt this way in a long time. And all I keep thinking is I would give someone my life savings if they could create the real life version of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to get me out of this. I just moved into the city. I have a great apartment and great friends. I should be thrilled beyond belief, and right now, all I can do is think about how badly I wanted him to come visit and see the apartment and share that excitement with me. It hurts a lot and I can't help it.
So in light of my emotional not okayness right now, as much as it pains me to do it, I have to put the blog on hiatus. I know I promised I wouldn't do it, and if you knew how much it's breaking whatever piece of my heart wasn't crushed on Monday night to do it you might actually feel bad for me, but I have to. I'm not in the right state of mind right now to be funny (or, what I thought was funny ha). I'm not in the mood to laugh or talk about sex or hookups or other people's relationships. I'm in the mood to watch (500) Days of Summer and relate so closely to Tom Hanson's character just so I can feel like I'm not the only one hurting like this.
I've been through a few breakups in my life. Heath, my ex laxer, was one of the worst. Brian, my high school love WAS my worst. And this wasn't even a "breakup", it was a discontinuation of sorts. But for some reason it's up there in the heartbreak department. I think because I really hoped this was it. That I had found a normal guy who would give me a normal life and a normal relationship. And I was so horribly blindsided by his 180 that it's hurting more than it should. I need to get my life back in order in order to come back to what I've been doing here. And right now, I'm just not there.
I have enjoyed this blog more than anyone could ever imagine the last 8 months. It's been a massive part of my life and despite all the negativity and the harsh criticisms, there have been enough positive e-mails, questions, and comments to make me feel like this was never a mistake. I don't know where I will go from here with my writing, or my book, or anything. All I know is I have done my very best to be honest, forthright, humorous, insightful, argumentative and informative. I wasn't always the best speller, I didn't always have 100% of my facts right. I didn't always make everyone happy with my opinions, but I did my best to make this blog and my book the best it could have been. My only hope is that you enjoyed it as much as I have.
Looking back, last week I was ready to put the blog on hiatus in light of the potential relationship I thought I had on my hands. And now I'm sitting here doing it for the exact opposite reasons. It hurts a lot and all I can say is I hope you guys understand.
Enjoy the summer, jersey fuckers. You can always still e-mail me and I promise I'll still be around to talk if you need it. But right now, I just need to get my life in order and my heart unbroken.
All my love,