Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Feelings and shit

K, so after writing this and rereading it, this is a long, rambling post that goes in like 8 different directions. Let me just preface by saying I didn't sleep last night and I have to be at work for 13 hours today, so I'm a little off my game.

A lot of people ask me what the guys I write about think about the blog and book, and if I could say anything to any of them, what would I say. I answered the first part of this question a few times with a big fucking "I have no idea", but the second part I think could be fun.

Last year, one of my pathetic attempts at fiction was a story about a girl who commits suicide because her boyfriend broke up with her (trust me, I'm not going anywhere, this is not an allusion or a cry for help ha) and she starts thinking about the last three big relationships she's been in and why they didn't work out. And she sends a letter to each guy before she off's herself. All three of the guys she dated were based on guys I've dated and situations I've been in. One was a combo of Dan Casey and Brian Mitchel (soccer kid. That was his name in the book, right?Is it sad I can't even really keep my fake names right? Kind of). One was based off my ex-lax boyfriend Heath, and one was based off this kid I dated in high school who was like a "wrong side of the tracks" kind of guy who played lacrosse and didn't have a lot of money (who ironically just kind of popped back up in my life), and had a problem with drugs and being an overall dick during college. Anyway, you get the stories from each of the three relationships and get a sense that she's trying to choose between all of them.

So she writes these letters and tells each guy what she thought of each of them, what she loved most about them, what she missed most about them, and what she had hoped her life would have been like with each of them as she was in the relationship. Each guy gets their designated letter and you realize that each scenario described in the book is what she wanted the relationship to be, not what it really was. And then you find out she committed suicide and each of those guys is left wondering if they had known what she wrote in the letter, would it have changed anything, would the life you read about have been what she wanted it to be, and how much the knowledge of feelings and responsibility can change a situation.

I know, super morbid, but I think this was like, post balding Harvard guy so I was in a seriously bad mood for about a month and like, super into the idea of revenge and making guys feel bad and shit.

Anyway, that story has been shelved much like all of my fiction pieces (one that is basically a rip off of the movie Bounce with Ben Affleck, and one that was so far fetched but probably would have made a good like, "Time Traveler's Wife" this shit would never happen movie). But today I got to thinking about it and with that said, a recent e-mail from someone who clearly hasn't read the blog came in not too long ago asking what the boys thought.

And this morning on my ten dollar cab ride to work because it was too hot to take the subway and I'm lazy, and driving through Central Park on a day like today is nice, I got to thinking about all the things that have been left unsaid between me and certain guys, and what I would say if I could have back then, or if I knew it would matter today. Further, after finding out a guy in my book, that I've written about a few times and that I was absolutely crazy for got married over the weekend, I couldn't help think about what I felt for him then versus what I think of him now.

When Heath, my ex lacrosse boyfriend, broke up with me, it was a bad position because he was still calling and being a typical 22 year old dbag who wanted his cake and wanted to eat it too (he was a fatty so this is totally poignant). I remember contemplating driving to Virginia so many times after we broke up to like, profess my love to him and confront him and look him in the eye and ask him how he could do what he was doing to me. I've always had this outlook on life that sometimes people say shit over the phone or via e-mail or text because they know if they try to do it in person, there will be another element there that will throw off the negativity. Hey, even I felt that way with my ex baseball guy from Canada (I'm doing a really shitty job of like, using fake book names and locations and real names right now, but whatever). I probably owed it to him to fly to Vancouver and do it in person, considering it was 2.5 years of our lives, an almost marriage and an almost adoption of a yellow lab named Duncan. I didn't. I did it in e-mail. And then over the phone. And I cried a lot writing that e-mail. I know if he had been standing in front of me, something would have snapped back into place and I wouldn't have gone through with it. I mean, eventually it would have happened, we weren't right for each other, but had I done it in person, had he flown to New York and begged me not to.... I don't think I would have done it.

Heath was similar. When he dumped me, he first did it over the phone and then after I ripped him a new asshole about it (because I'm the world's biggest hypocrite) he drove up to NY and did it in person. And it was hard. Or at least he made it seem like it was hard. There were tears and for while, I thought he'd change his mind. I remember sitting on my front porch waiting for him to pull into my driveway, and then falling into him and crying and I know, despite how big of a dick he was for a bit, it hurt him to hurt me. And I know down the line when he was looking at me crying, there were points where he questioned his decision. It didn't change his decision, but I knew doing it in person would make it harder for him, which is why I wanted him to do it. I wanted it to be hard for him.

Anyway, back to the story... there were times where I thought about picking up and driving down to Virginia to confront him. And he wasn't the only one. I somehow missed the "bat shit crazy" lesson on showing up on someone's doorstep and confronting them, and how it's not really a good idea. With every guy who ever broke my heart, I thought about doing it. Most recently with DC guy, I thought about doing it because I thought there was something he wasn't telling me, something that had I been there in person he wouldn't have been able to do. Thankfully, my mother keeps me somewhat sane and explained to me if I did it, I'd make a complete ass of myself and possibly get slapped with a restraining order.

As I've said over and over, I'm a typical pisces. And I believe in the cheeseball romance stories and last ditch efforts of the heart, even though none of that has ever been a truth in my life. Last ditch efforts are my calling card. That last e-mail. That last text. That last conversation, that last attempt at telling someone how you feel in hopes to change their opinions. That is the story of my mother fucking life.

So in honor of last ditch efforts and three years of growing up (and still making the same old mistakes), let's compare what I would have said then, with what I would say now, to the main players of my jersey chasing game.

Heath, the ex laxer. At the time, I tried everything. I mean, you always say I love you a million times, and I really did love him. I told him I'd stand by him through anything, and I didn't realize that his ex kind of already did that and still ended up an ex. What I never told him was how hard I tried to push him out of my life. I shut him out. I was surprised how easy it was to turn him off. Don't get me wrong, I'd still get drunk and prank him sometimes, or send him texts randomly. But I made a list when I turned 24 of things I wanted to do before I turned 25. I accomplished like, 4 out of the 25, but not talking about Heath was one of them. Aside from the blog and sharing the stories, I stopped talking about him. At the time, all I ever wanted to do was pour my heart out to him. I remember when I found a lump on my breast (go figure they're so fucking small and I find a lump), the only person I wanted to talk to was him. And this was months after we broke up and I tried and it didn't work. Shit changed. And people become entities you can't rely on even if you could once. My last ditch effort was trying to find some semblance of concern in him when that happened, and I couldn't.

Today? I still don't talk to Heath. On the rare occasions prior to the book that he'd text or call, I avoided it at all costs. The one time I picked up and I didn't recognize the number, I had a mild heart attack when I heard his voice. I don't think he gets why I did what I did, why I cut him out, or how incredibly hard it was for me. But if I could tell him anything today, it's that the only reason I was such a bitch was because being mean to him replaced feeling love for him I wasn't getting in return anymore. I don't have feelings for Heath anymore. But I will admit that I'm afraid that if I talk to him or see him, they'll show up again. And my life has been easier not caring about Heath, than it was caring about him and wondering why he didn't care back.

Dan Casey. I have always said I never really had major feelings for Dan. And I still stand by that. I never cared about Dan the way I did Heath, or my ex baseballer (I can't for the life of me remember what his name was in my book), or Brian Mitchell even. But when I hung out with Dan, most of the time all I wanted to do was say "pick me, choose me". That was my mantra with him. Because when I hung out with him, it was the most fun ever doing the lamest shit ever. And I never wanted that to go away. I knew he was a cheater, I knew he wasn't the most faithful of fellows and I knew I would never, ever trust him while he was away playing soccer if we ever dated. But the times I hung out with him, or would bullshit with him, I wanted to like, freeze frame that and create some kind of relationship around the non-chalant bullshit good time. I wanted to care about Dan more than I did. I wanted to be with him only when he was in the states and when we were having a good time because I never gave a shit when Dan didn't call or text. I never gave a shit when he was with another girl or at a strip club. And I thought that was a good thing because I thought me not giving a shit would mean I'd never get hurt by him. Not true. I could have never dated Dan. And I don't think Dan would ever want to date me.

Today? If I could say anything to Dan, I'd say I'm sorry because I think he was pissed about this whole thing. I had this whole e-mail written out after the last time I saw him. A pick me, choose me e-mail. And I never sent it and I'm glad I didn't because I don't think I really meant half the shit in it. But I do still think about Dan and I wish I had maybe explained this a little to him beforehand. He is one of the only guys I ever thought I should have given a heads up to because I was still talking to him and chilling with him. Would I still ask him to pick me? I don't know. I loved banging Dan, I loved hanging out with him and god he made me laugh really fucking hard, but something wasn't there with him. I would never miss him the way I missed Heath, or Brian Mitchell (are you surprised I was so crazy about Brian Mitchell?) or DC guy. And that makes me believe nothing was lost there. He's got his lady friend, and I've got my knowledge that while I'm single, I' not worried that I'm getting cheated on. I'm happy Dan's happy (or I think he is anyway) and I hope he knows I meant what I said to him the couple times I tried to have a "feelings" conversation with him. It wasn't bullshit. And I did care.

Brian Mitchell. GOD, there were like four million things I thought about saying to this kid before he unceremoniously took me off BBM. But considering I fucked his roommate out of vengeance, I couldn't really pull out feelings without looking retarded. The last thing I told Brian was that I really still liked him and he text me back right before he left for a tournament in South Africa, I think? (Not the world cup btw) and he told me I was a really cool girl and he was surprised I was still talking to him (after he tried to bang my best friend in front of me). We stopped talking eventually. What I thought about saying to him like, every day for three months? I could totally love you, I would move to Europe for you, I don't care that your teammates think you're a serial killer, or that you tried to fuck my best friend.

What I'd say now? Jesus. Um, you're still a dick for trying to fuck my best friend when I flew to London to see you. Sorry, you can blame immaturity or age, but you were kind of a dick regardless. I can't believe you are married, and I do still think you are a kid and have some social issues. I'm glad things didn't work out because I would have never got to bang Dan Casey! And I don't think I really could have loved you. Eh....that's a lie, I do think had you not tried to fuck my best friend and things stayed the same, I could have loved you. But I think I loved the idea of you replacing Heath more than I really liked your personality (understatement of the year). I hope things work out for you. You've got some growing up to do but I'm happy it wasn't with me.

Mac? My hockey player? There isn't a whole lot I'd say to him that I haven't already said. Way back when, when I overlooked the fact that he was mildly retarded, I told him I cared and I probably could have cared more if I had incentive. But I didn't. I remember being on the phone with him and throwing some shit out at him trying to make him believe we'd be a good couple. And then I had to try to convince myself of the same thing. At the time, had there been a last ditch effort, I probably would have told him that I thought he was a loyal guy and that the fact that he wasn't a huge Canadian dbag like a lot of other hockey players made me want to be with him.

Now? I'm very happy he's happy. I have nothing bad to say about Mac. he was a small Canadian in a big city and I don't think he knew what to do with a lot of the information I gave him (take from that what you will). I don't blame him for that. He was a good guy.

As for my most recent last ditch, my DC guy (who incidentally was a former pro athlete)... I caved and wrote him an e-mail on Friday. I waited a week to send it on Friday because there was an eclipse on Friday and according to my horoscope, it was supposed to be a big day in love. Let me just clarify that Friday I went out drinking at 630PM and was home in sweatpants watching episode 2 of True Blood on demand by 1030. Thanks very much, Astrology Zone.

Anyway.... I did send an e-mail. I don't know if it was a last ditch, because I knew nothing would come of it. I didn't expect him to turn around and change his mind like I would have expected Heath or Dan or Brian had I done something similar with them. But it was a last ditch because what else do you do when the only person you want to talk to doesn't give a shit if you're hurting or miss him?

My last ditch to him wasn't a "pick me, choose me" thing. It wasn't an "I'm doing fine pretending you never existed" or a "I could love you" one. It was just an e-mail about what I missed. What I felt like I was missing out on. In reality, it probably should have been a "pick me, choose me, I could have loved you" e-mail. If I were telling the truth, and I thought anything I could say would change his mind, it should have been that. I could have loved DC guy. In a way that wasn't crazy BBM obsession like Brian. In a way that wasn't "I could love you because you're too retarded to cheat" or "I could love you because the sex with you is really fucking awesome". Believe it or not, I'm pretty good with knowing who I am going to love and who I'm not. Brian Mitchell had something different than Dan and Mac and whoever else I fucked around with. Believe it or not, so did balding Harvard guy. I knew when I first starting talking to Brian that if we worked out, I could have loved that kid forever. I knew that about Heath the second I met him, and I knew that about Harvard guy, even though it took a week. And I knew that with DC guy. And I thought DC guy was it.

My last ditch is still a last ditch. There is nothing I'd say today that was different three weeks ago. I adored him. I would have done anything to have made him happy. And I wanted it to work. I could have loved him very much. Call me crazy, but I know when I know. And with him, I just knew.

When I look back on all the last ditches and the "what would it have been like" scenarios had I actually dated Brian or Dan or Mac, I have no idea. I think about it sometimes and am glad certain shit didn't work out. It'll take a while to get there about DC guy. I still think about going down to DC and standing in front of him very Notting Hill like and finding the thing that would change his mind that somehow I couldn't come up with in the last three weeks. You see people do shady shit in movies like tell someone they love them after a week, or chase a bus to tell them not to go, or show up at work to tell them not to break up with them. In real life, those thoughts have crossed my mind a million times. I have never pulled a batshit crazy girl move like that though. And while I don't regret not pulling one with Heath or any other guy when I gave it a look, part of me wonders if I'll regret not doing it with DC guy.

I've done a lot of shady shit in my life. Told a lot of fucked up, embarrassing stories and had sex in some really odd positions. I put my life and reputation on the line for a blog, and I've traveled around the world to fuck a guy. I'm pretty retarded and I've done some shameless shit. I can't help wondering what holds me back from getting in my car and driving four hours to ask someone to change their mind. Why I can't find the batshit crazy person I normally have NO problem being, and tell her to go make a complete ass of herself in a different way. By showing up and telling a guy you had nothing to lose and that you miss everything about him.

I wish at times my last ditch efforts and my bat shit crazy self could line up better. This is one of those times.


  1. Steph, have you seen this? It's allegedly written by a hockey wife. http://www.mylifeontheice.blogspot.com/

  2. no new posts for so long :( i check your blog pretty much religiously...i love your stories!!