Thursday, September 29, 2011

And Redsox nation weeps.

Everyone rags on me because baseball is my favorite sport. I've dated a lot of guys who have actually hated baseball (clearly, CLEARLY that's the reason those relationships never worked out). "It's too slow, it's so boring." And for years, I have argued my position that baseball is full of random moments that are absolutely fucking crazy intense. Like, you think you're going to lose by 7 and come back to win by 1. One hit starts a rally. One homerun secures a win. It's probably the most unpredictable game that can go from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat. It's like being on drug. I think, I don't know, I've never done drugs. But this shit is BETTER than drugs! Coke has NOTHING on a Derek Jeter walkoff. NOTHING.

Tonight will go down as probably four of the best pre-playoff baseball in the history of baseball. And FUCK it was awesome watching it.

I'm not going to get into the NL or the collapse of the Braves, as much as I'm pumped they went down. My brain isn't on NL yet. Not until the Series.

Let me just say, I am a diehard Yankee fan. I love the Yankees more than I love most members of my immediate family. If I could be anything in life, it'd be a Yankee, a Yankee's wife, or a Victoria Secret model. So tonight was the first and, invisible magic man in the sky willing, last time I will ever cheer against the Yankees. But it was just a perfect storm of awesome revenge.

2004. Game 7. Bombs. Johnny Damon. The stupid fucking bloody sock. My first year in college, heart broken, so I went home and banged a guy on the Maryland soccer team to make myself feel better. I still remember. I still ache over that breakdown. I still hear it all the time from my Redsox friends. I still Google stalk the guy I fucked that night...

This might not negate it. No no, I'll be real. But it's up there. It's up there with 2003. With Boone. And that glorious home run that will probably (at the rate I'm going with the whole marriage thing) go down in history as one of the greatest things I have ever witnessed in person.

Back in January, NESN sent out a release: "The 2011 Redsox will challenge the 1927 Yankees for the title of Greatest Team in Major League Baseball History."

I'm not going to lie. I believed it. "Just call the series Phillies/Sox and save us all a shitty, disappointing season". I copped. I failed to have faith in our 200 million payroll. I mean, Carl Crawford? Fuck.

And now, as I lay in my bed in my Yankee boxers, I feel like this is 2003. Manny Ramirez and his fucking dreadlocks and wife beating ways, calling his dad from the dugout, talkin' all about how he's going to the World Series and part of Redsox history....

And then there was Boone. And then there was the greatest game I've ever seen.

And that was this whole thing. All the big talk about how amazing the Redsox were going to be. Best team ever. Challenging Yankee greats. Taking down Murderer's Row. Gehrig. Carl Crawford coming up against Lou Gehrig. This was the hype.

This was the phone call to dad.

And the Orioles/Rays were the Aaron Boone of 2011.

Fuck dude, it's shit like this that makes me want to date an athlete. I mean, if you can't be part of the team, how fucking awesome would it be to be the girlfriend/wife of a Ray tonight? Or fuck, even an Oriole? Like, that's some serious victory fucking right now. I'm jealous. I don't even think a lot of those guys are hot, and I'm still jealous. I'd bang the God damn baseball bat Evan Longoria used. Or makeout with Carl Crawford's mitt that he dropped that ball with.

And this is my love for baseball. Because anything can happen. And it always, always comes down to that last out. When it matters, baseball is one of the most knuckle cracking, nail biting, edge of your seat, sweating profusely, rally cap rocking games out there. Despite what all my retarded ex boyfriends think. Fuck them. They're fat. And Aaron Boone is still awesome, "hey girl" glory and all.

All hail to America's pastime.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Shout outs to my Syracuse lax rats and lacrossetitutes for following and taking the time to drop an e-mail and listening to me bitch even! I won't ever cheer for your lacrosse or basketball teams, but I do like the color orange and I appreciate laxtitutes from every campus ;)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The INT word...

Whenever a guy blows me off or doesn't ask me out for a second date, my mother always tries to make me feel better by saying "he was probably just intimidated by you, Stef." Like, I guess because I was such a fucking nerdball as a child - too skinny, too sickly, big glasses, bad skin, no friends, etc. etc (super attractive) - my mom still doesn't want me to ever feel like people don't like me because of how I look or am. If she had the power, I would win Miss USA every year, without entering. Mary is the world's greatest ego boost because she thinks I'm like, sex personified. Which, in some way, I guess I kind of am. Fuck yeah. But when she pulls the intimidation card, it drives me nuts. My usual response as I'm storming away crying in PJs with a pint of Ben & Jerry in my hand is "I'M FIVE FOOT FOUR AND I WEIGH LIKE A HUNDRED POUNDS. I AM LESS INTIMIDATING THAT A TODDLER GOING THROUGH THE TERRIBLE TWOS". .

But I do get a lot of questions about how this whole blog has effected my dating life the last year. A lot of people assume one of two things. I either get laid, a lot, or guys avoid me like the plague.

It's kind of a mix of the two.

Look, there are a million other more terrible things I could tell a guy on a first date than "I run a blog about sex and sports and a lot of it is personal". I have AIDS, for one. I have herpes. I'm really a guy with a good tuck job. I'm not on the pill. I want babies immediately. I'm waiting until marriage to have sex. Like, a million worse things right?

It still isn't easy. For one, I date a lot of momma's boys. Boys who want the girl they can bring home to mom. And I don't know if many mothers are thrilled at the idea of their sons dating a girl who writes about sex for a living. I feel like that's a really weird conversation for Thanksgiving dinner. I can say that because it caused a feud at mine this year, so, I get it.

On the flip side, guys are also really big pussies. Like, when I date a guy, I make it a habit of knowing every girl he's ever, at the very least, dated, if not fucked, so I can be shallow and compare myself to them and figure out why I'm better. Whatever, this is crazy girl habit and we all do it, don't even act like you're above it you bitches. Guys on the other hand are total fucking wah wahs and want to pretend they are the only penis that's ever been near your bajina. They don't want have knowledge of anyone you fucked on the chance that the last dude you fucked is well known to be better. Better at sex, better at their job, better looking, whatever. Everyone makes women out to be the insecure psychopaths, but in the long run, men are beyond insecure. The amount of coddling and lying women do to make sure they feel on top of the world is fucking mind blowing.

So since the blog, there are times I've taken my mom's word at face value. Because there have been dudes who don't call me back, dudes who disappear. And without cause or reason. Believe it or not, I'm hotter in person. I'm not a bad looking girl and I'm way fun. I'm not the world's most hapless fucking date, I swear to God. I've been on a few dates in the last year. Had a mini relationship with Alvin in DC. Clearly, you fuckers know my life story and you;d clearly know if I found a penis to stick by. And since I'm not completely deformed (sans the small tits thing), and I'm not wholly retarded (unless I have more than 7 drinks), I chalk it up to the intimidation thing. And maybe this is my own ass coddling myself, but whatever, it's working, so hear me the fuck out.

I used to think guys would love an independent girl who wasn't a total fucking lush who didn't focus solely on makeup and gossip and The Vampire Diaries. Who liked sex and wasn't afraid of it. Who loves sports and liked going to games and drinking beer. I have always been one of the boys. But I think I'm starting to wonder if boys really do like the whispy, brain full of bullshit, damsel in distress type of girls.

I don't think boys like to be schooled in sports. However, I like schooling boys in sports, mainly because I like proving I can do something boys can. Same with the sex thing. I like putting myself on equal footing. Because I don't really give a shit about Vogue, or fashion, or shoes, or Angelina fucking Jolie. I don't pretend to not get something to seem "innocent". I don't cow down to boys because they're hot and I certainly don't pretend to be Betty fuckin Crocker housewife material.

With that said, two things to note: 1.) I'm not a lesbian and 2.) I'm still a really fucking good girlfriend when the opportunity presents itself. I'm still a pisces and at the end of the day, the main thing a pisces girl does well is show their significant other that they are needed and supported. And I look DAMN fuckin good in a pair of Victoria Secret panties. I can woo the parents, rock a cocktail dress, be good arm candy and make a guy feel awesome without making myself feel stupid.

I've come to terms with the fact that it's going to take a seriously strong guy to fill the spot DC dbag recently vacated. I've come to terms that one quick Google search might kill 999,999 opportunities with dudes because one of the first things that comes up is "Ten Things Sleeping with Professional Athletes has Taught Me as a Woman". And I'm well aware that the lacrosse community is TOTALLY catching on to my "want to grab beers?" meme, although if my recent cougar situation laxer is reading this, you I'm actually pretty interested in (which means message me back damn it!). Regardless, I know who I am, what I am, and what I've got to offer and that's keeping me going. That's what's kept me on the blog. I choose to do this, to put my name on it, to brag about it and brand it with everything I have. No one has a gun to my head and I would choose the blog a million times over a guy who would want me to lie about who I am and what I do and what I love. So yes, I do think it's intimidating. I do think I'm intimidating. Not because I think I'm so drop dead gorgeous (people need to see me without makeup, terrifying). Not because of anything physical, but because I'm a chick with half a brain and a wikipedia-like knowledge about sports. And because I have no problem joking about wanting sex. Or ACTUALLY wanting sex. Everyone tells me guys like the chase. Yeah? Well, I fucking hate running which is why I avoid the gym like the plague and if you want me to ignore your phone calls, don't fucking call me.

I love what I do and who I am. I love the blog and despite my mother's assurance that "you don't NEED to get married, Stef" making me nervous that Mary then thinks I'm NOT getting married, this is me and if you can't take what I've done in my life, you can't deal with me to begin with. I'm not here to coddle or lie or pretend your penis is the biggest I've ever seen, or you felt the best, or you look the best naked, or I've never tried that. I'm here to give what I got, and eventually some fucker will be lucky enough to have it. I'm proud of what I got. It's rare, it's not really what the hot girls give off these days, and I'm going to play it until I find a guy who can convince me why the Redsox deserve respect. Until I find a guy who intimidates the fuck out of me with the ability to convince me that dustin Pedroia is a good person. Welcome to my life. I love it, and I hope you fuckers do too.

Baseball Contributions part 1

So since he won't get around to actually writing something up until post playoffs, my anonymous, really good, big named baseball player is going to contribute by way of Facebook message.

Question posed:

Alright, so here's a late night Friday question for you - Do you think it's easier dating now that you have a serious rep and a solid career and the "fame" aspect of baseball, or was it easier to date way back when you played in the minors and were an unknown in the media?

Baseball dude's response:

It's a little easier to maintain a serious relationship when one or both people have the money to buy plane tickets. It's a little harder to figure people out when you're in the spotlight. It's a little easier to pick up babes when you can afford nice clothes, make a good impression, have a rep, etc. It's a little harder to tough out any rough patches in a new relationship when you've got so much on the line at work all the time. Drama is draining, and let's face it, work pays the bills. How's that?

My response:


This guy is relatively cool in the sense I feel like I could ask him some good, in depth shit on dating and relationships in the big leagues and I actually trust his answers, mainly because of the way he is in life (that I've read about and how he comes across in conversations). Like, he doesn't strike me as a bullshitter, and he certainly has nothing to gain by whatever he may say to me as, believe it or not, this isn't like a Stef fishing to fuck situation. I actually love his take on dating and women and groupies, and there are some other conversations that I'm hoping will be brought out when he does my "how not to be a jersey chaser" article. But I figured I'd give you guys a little bit of a pre-question beforehand.

I know it sucks that I can't say who it is, and trust me, I would LOVE to let the world know that I actually occasionally talk to dudes who are reputable and not just like, randoms ha, but I like the random conversation with him too much to blow it by outing him. I think he has a secret fascination with the blog and the humor/sex aspect of it so we have a fabulous balance of "what do you think" going on. I like it, and I don't want to fuck it up, even for the blog. But, I promise you promise you he is someone jersey chasers should take the advice from, as he is a big name in the MLB and yes, he's going to playoffs (again) this year. And he's pretty hot, I'll fuckin cop to it. And instead of posting his picture, please enjoy the picture of me and my friend Jen at a cold, rainy, shit day baseball game at Yankee Stadium earlier this summer. I know, that's no where near as good but it's the best I can do for now assholes. You're so god damn needy!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Jersey Chasing when the jersey is a child's XS.

That title makes me sound like an avid participant on How to Catch a Predator, but it's not as bad as it sounds ha.

So recently, with the onslaught of "people you know" on Facebook, there have been numerous new athletes popping up from the trenches and I add them for multiple reasons. 1.) new athletes give me new material to work with, even if I'm not banging them. Buffers my HRotW lists, gives me insight into certain athletes habits, dating or otherwise, and also gives me an ability to find out if certain athletes are single. What, have you not read the whole fucking blog? Jesus, judgey judger. 2.) It gives me the ability to reach out to new athletes for info, be it something along the lines of my (hopeful and likely) baseball contributor, or some information on teammates I think are hot, etc. etc. 3.) It gives me the opportunity to introduce myself, suggest going for beers and possibly score a new story (admitting this probably just ruined those chances though ha).

I've always said Facebook has been one of the best tools I've had in all my jersey chasing glory. It's just a solid opportunity for me to get involved, and it's like a snowball effect. Once you have two or three guys on a team in your lists, others start getting recommended. And it's not that I want to bang every guy I can on a specific team (though my soccer situation of years past might actually call that statement into question, heh), but like I said, having the connections is always useful for someone like me, in all areas of life - work, fun, dating, fucking. You know, the norm.

Needless to say, I've added a LOT of lacrosse players in the last few months. Between Maryland's class of 2011, who I fondly refer to as my baby Terps (still so proud of you fuckers), and new guys popping up who are in the MLL, to different lacrosse programs like LXM pro and Lacrosse Playground (my buddies run both), it keeps me connected as I age and really can no longer claim the title of lacrosstitute like I used to. Fuck I'm old.

And speaking of old, I'm starting to wonder what the jersey chasing rules are regarding someone younger. I mean, if you ask Kim Kardashian, there are no rules. Both Reggie Bush and Kris Humphries are five years younger than her.

I have only ever liked one athlete that has been more than a year younger than me, and that was soccer kid (Brian Mitchell? Was that his name in my book? I don't even know, I go by nicknames still, I'm the worst author in the world). He was just about two years younger than me. Give or take. And at 23, which is what I was when he dicked me and ended up fucking a girl who looked like Stephanie Pratt because he couldn't get with my best friend (ah, memories), 21 is kind of weird. I mean, I didn't care at the time, but that's because I was so fuckin crazy obsessed with him I was too busy engraving our wedding invitations to really think about birthdays (not really true but kind of).

But now, Facebook is challenging me to be a cougar in training. A lacrosse player who legit just graduated from college in May (not Maryland though) popped up in my "people you might know/want to bang" thing on Facebook. And I checked his ass out, and he is WAY cute. Not hot, and my friend even called out a possible hair line sitch, but definitely my type of guy looks wise. In fact, Jock McFly even called it - he actually has a strong look of Soccer Kid. Creepy, non?

So here I am, trying to figure out a few things. One, where he graduated from is of course probably the only college with a solid lacrosse program where I don't have ONE FRIEND I can reach out to because I don't know one person who went there, let alone has gone there in the last two years. Two, he's 22. Like, that's a big fucking deal. Three years. Fresh out of college. And for guys, that's like "I'm not getting in a relationship for the next 8 years" time of your life. Fuck, Alvin, the DC dbag former SF giants guy, he was 30 and had graying hair I couldn't even lock that shit down.

So I approached in the only way I know how - absolutely no subtlety whatsoever. Sent a message, introduced myself, mentioned the blog and how I like to keep up with guys in the game, etc. etc. Also reached out to one of my baby terps who I think knows him and hit him up with a "hi I'm pulling a mrs. Robinson wanna help?" message.

Both have gone unanswered, though I know the latter has been traveling the last day so. I'm hoping it's not a "Stef is crazy" situation, particularly because I'll probably be seeing him at homecoming! Nice.

Anyway, I have NO idea if I'd have any sort of shot with this kid (emphasis on the kid, fuck). Which is throwing me off because if you haven't learned, rarely is there a dude in a uni that I don't think I can pull some strings with, somehow, someway. Like, I have more misguided confidence when it comes to athletes than anyone else I can think of. But this one is throwing me off because I feel like a total fucking creeper. Like an old lady cougar. And this shit is PISSING THE FUCK OUT OF ME. Even sending him a message, I was like "ew, I feel like a pedo".

But, in the grand scheme of things, he is way cute, way talented, just lined up a decent job and I'm trying to convince myself that age really isn't a factor here. My batshit crazy, straight forward aversion to subtlety might be. But my age? Am I really that far out of the game? I can still drink like a 20 year old. I still bang with the inhibitions of a college kid. I still work at a bar. COME ON, I'm not THAT old! I just need to find an angle that doesn't include like, MILF fantasies or Samantha Jone's inability to admit defeat in the age fucking factor.

I feel like a creeper. But is three years really that big of a deal? Especially when he's still eight inches taller than me? I don't know. But what I do know is the age thing is putting me in a position that I don't really know how to proceed, even though I want to make a move. Like, a legit "let's get beers" move.

Do I stick to the 25-31 year olds? Or do I make a move that could potentially embarrass my ass with a whole new generation of laxers?

Sidenote: This was me at 22. I don't know if I'd go back to the short hair, but I'd go back to the thinner face. Fuck. I'm old.

Full of the Tireds

I used to not hate Mondays so much, because unlike the rest of the world, I didn't have to be at work 'til four. But now since my change of schedule, Mondays are not only early mornings but 14 hours days. AWFUL.

As I collect my thoughts and shake the tired from my small tits, here's a song for the Moooondays. It's lame but whatever, OneRepublic always puts out good music, bite me.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

"Look, they're little footballs....laces out!"

Nothing says a good Saturday like Jersey Chaser chocolate covered strawberries, compliments of Jock McFly. Awesomeness.

Blog Sidenotes

As I watched the Terps get murdered by Temple, and am currently watching the Yankees go through way too much of their bullpen in a rout of the Boston Redsox, I got an e-mail about why I sidestep the blog sometimes and write about things completely offtopic. More often than not, the LGBT community.

Which works well because I've been wanting to write something about the recent repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. So it all ties in nicely.

I'll start by answering the question. I am extremely, extremely involved in sports and sex. That sounds weird, I don't know how you can be "involved" in sex. What I mean is, those two topics kind of dominate my life. Where ever I am, those things kind of fill up the void. And that's why I started the blog to begin with. First rule of thumb of writing is to write what you know. I know about and love sex and sports. It made sense to me.

However, just because the blog caters to mainly those two topics, doesn't mean I don't occasionally like to take out my frustration with other topics on here. I write. It's what I do. So when something bothers me, I try to write it out and get the problem out to the masses. And the whole LGBT issue in our country today is one of those topics that just drives me insane. The fact that it "is" a topic at all, drives me fucking nuts. So I write about it. Because while I'm not exactly a daily read for most people, I still like to think enough people read me that if there are any anti-LGBT peeps in my blogosphere, maybe my way of writing will appeal to the senses in terms of logic about that topic. AKA, me being a catty, fuck all bitch might have more pull than a PC article filled with bullet points about the LGBT community from some representative you've never heard of.

On that note, the long standing, discriminatory policy that was DADT was brought to a long needed halt this week. You know my take on the gays. I love 'em. My best friend in the whole world, gay man. So when people say he wouldn't be compatible for military service simply because he'd be Skyping with a dude instead of a lady, (not that Karl would ever join the military, let's be real here), is, excuse my French, fucking BULLSHIT.

All 25 NATO countries, outside of the US and Turkey, allow openly gay and lesbian peeps to rock the camo. I didn't see the US turning down the help of those countries in the last 10 years and 40 billion dollars worth of wars because they'd be working hand in hand with the 'mos. No army has ever been depleted because people refused to work with openly gay soldiers. No increase in man on man rapes have happened. No one has changed their military uniforms to pink camo. Shit is fine. And yet the US fear mongering right wing coocoos want you to believe that now that gays don't have to lie to serve their country, suddenly the war in Afghanistan is going to look oddly similar to porn you'd find on (don't go to the site, btw, if you don't want to see a lot of balls and penises). They want America to think that gays openly serving in the military is suddenly going to ruin our chances at winning this war. I hate to be the bearing of really fucking OBVIOUS NEWS, but the war has been going on for TEN GOD DAMN YEARS without gays out and we haven't really won anything. I'm pretty sure gays aren't the fucking problem here. And finally, what the teabagging loonies want you to believe, is this "social experiment" of treating everyone equally (something repubs know nothing about) is going to lead to the military having to reprimand every gay dude serving because of like, public fucking and anal fistings. I'm sorry, but despite what Rick "frothy mix" Santorum wants people to believe, it's not about sex. It's not about fisting. It's not about sexual activity or anal sex or blow jobs or military fetish porn. It's about life. It's about boyfriends and relationships and husbands and wives and girlfriends and partners and benefits and pictures and Skype calls and hugging and someone to come home to. I mean, unless every straight person in the military is simply straight because they publicly fuck members of the opposite sex? It's not about that. It's about having the ability to say "hey yeah, my boyfriend's doing great" or "hey, check out this awesome care package my boyfriend's second grade class sent us" or "that's a picture of my girlfriend" or "I can't wait to get off this plane and kiss my boyfriend for the first time in 6 months" or "I put my life on the line and died for my country and I want my legally recognized husband to receive my benefits". It's life. It's reality. It's not hot sweaty man bear sex. It's life.

The other night during a GOP debate, Rick Santorum answered a question via Skype from a soldier currently serving overseas who was for the first time this week allowed to admit on camera that he is gay.

Rick Santorum, as well as all the other GOP candidates present, allowed the audience to boo this man.

Then, Rick Santorum said he would revoke this man's right to serve his country proudly if he were president. He would force that man back into the camo coated closet. Why? Because "no unethical sexual behavior should be permitted in the military".

Really? So why don't we just recruited asexual people? Because gays aren't more likely to fuck on tour than straights. Being gay isn't synonymous with public acts of sex. Its orientation, not behavior. You can be straight and be a virgin. You can be gay and not fuck in public. I know it's hard for these assholes to understand, but their hypocrisy shows no bounds. So if a gay man is not involved in sexual behavior while he's serving, how can you say THAT'S the reason you want to reinstate DADT? Does admitting you have a boyfriend constitute fucking a man in the showers? Does Skyping with your girlfriend equate to scissoring with another female soldier in the mess hall? Sexual behavior is not the same as relationship behavior. So unless you tell the straight dude he can't talk about or TO his wife, this shit holds no water.

And that's just what it is. Stupid hypocrisy. Because while the military has discharged more than 13,000 arabic linguists in the last 10 years due to DADT, they have lowered their recruitment standards to a point where rapists, drug addicts and terrorists, yes, TERRORISTS, those who have made TERRORIST threats against the US, are permitted to serve in the military. Who would you rather have in your bunker? An educated gay dude who speaks fluent arabic and has an impeccable record, or a guy who was convicted of making terrorist threats?

Look, I'm not down with our government to begin with. I don't vote, because I think the whole process of government and elections and representatives is total bullshit. But listening to the "arguments' that favored DADT is like listening to a child try to argue about why they NEED that 700 bike. It's STUPID and PAINFUL and makes you want to DROWN THE KID IN A TOILET. Spoiled, self entitled assholes with no concept of reality screaming about something they don't need.

I don't do war. And I'm certainly not down with the whole situation going on in the Middle East. But I support our troops because they'e all doing shit I could never, and would never do. Because if I joined the military, our country would be invaded and conquered by China within 3 days, guaranteed. But the point is, how could anyone who is a republican, and more than likely is a pro-troops person, look a man in the eye and say "thanks very much for your service and putting your life on the line, but you don't deserve to be recognized, you're a pervert"? Exactly, exactly like Rick Santorum did this week. I don't see Rick Santorum bussing his ass to the worst place on earth with a gun. But he feels himself versed enough to be able to say being gay doesn't make someone capable of making that choice? Please.

I support LGBT rights because they are human rights. I write about the LGBT community because I am part of that community by way of my best friend. I support the repeal of DADT because it only inflicts good on the military and those who are in it. I write about it because it frustrates me and because I hate people who are mean in any way shape or form to Karl. And while Karl would rather shoot himself in the foot than every join the military, if he decided to tomorrow, I would want to do bodily harm to a fucker like Rick Santorum, who looks like the love child of Pee Wee Herman and a ventriloquist doll, said "you are too perverted to serve your country". Fuck these assholes. Ship them to Afghanistan and give them two group choices: Would you rather serve with a group of 7 gay men, who are all at the very least high school educated, with no criminal records, who speak fluent arabic and also include one bomb specialist, or a group of 7 straight "normal" men, 2 of whom have been charged with rape, one of whom has been charged with drug possession, two of whom are former coke addicts, another who was charged with shooting his ex wife, and another who once said "I am going to fill a car full of bombs and blow up the White House because I believe in fundamentalist Islam". Then get back to me, Rick.

Why do I stand so firmly for LGBT rights? Outside of the fact that Karl is gay and a huge part of my life, it's a bigger picture thing. A lot of Americans are desperately gripping to the Leave it to Beaver life. Everyone says the sexual revolution happened in the 60s, but it's still kind of a situation today. With me, I see it all the time. Everytime I get an e-mail or a comment calling me a slut or a whore. Everytime I do an interview and a crazy cookbook lady says my parents must be so ashamed of me. Every day a guy gets to do what I do and get paid for it. It's a matter of standing up to the "traditional" idea and realizing that the reality is better than the traditional. The reality is, I bang around a lot, have a good time, and don't bow down to the idea that women should keep their mouths shut about sex, less they be dubbed a whore. Gays don't bow down to the "stay in the closet or you're an outcast" mantra and it pisses people off. It's a big fight, going up against what's considered "normal" and "appropriate". It's tough trying to show people that what I do isn't "wrong" and what gay people feel isn't "unnatural". It's a tough sell, trying to fight against the majority and trying to change asshole's opinions that are based in stupidity, ignorance, fear, and self-loathing. I stand with the LGBT community because I think the whole "traditional values" bullshit has fucked up enough people's lives, ruined enough lives, hindered enough lives, that I don't want to sit back and say "I wasn't who I am because I wanted some random church lady in Kansas to like me". Fuck that shit. And fuck those people who think they're outlooks are so superior to mine or anyone else's. I live my life the damn well way I choose to. And like the LGBT community, I refuse to be told by assholes on a pulpit that I don't have the right to do that.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Near Future Baseball Contribution

So after some random conversation, there's a strong possibility I might have like a "how to lose a guy in 10 days" type article for jersey chasers, compliments of a really, really, well known baseball playing contributor. Name and team won't be mentioned, but all I can say is it's going to be a post-playoff article because he will more than likely be in playoffs, and the dude is up there in rep with the likes of Brian Wilson, Cole Hamels and Josh Beckett (though it's none of those guys, scouts honor). He's got a super interesting take on the dating scene in sports and he's not your average asshole athlete which has been pretty interesting to talk to him about. I might have to work with him on the whole "humor" thing, but I'm looking forward to see what he comes up with. Apparently he's got some stellar first date nightmare stories as well, so I'm hoping to get some good blogs from him. I'll keep you guys posted as it comes around, but get excited! The blog might be getting some clout from some serious athletes. And who wouldn't want a "what not to do" for jersey chasing straight from the horse's mouth? I might keep this shit in my back pocket...


Oh god, if this materializes it's going to be SO good. I just got a great story from him and he ended it with "I fell asleep rocking in the fetal position that night". He might not even need help on the humor, this is going to be gold. Get excited, seriously, this is what I live for... sharing stupid dating stories with pro athletes. Sad, but true.

Hottie Roster of the Week

God, I haven't done one of these in a WHILE...but with all that's going on, I figured I'd get back into it. Though if I had my choice Nick Schommer would probably just get every one I did, I guess I have to be a little bit more open to new possibilities. Not that I'm giving up on Nick. No no, Nick, darling...I'm following you on Twitter now, it's love kid. It's love.

Anyway, first up is one of my new hockey crushes. Dylan Reese. Kid is SO hot. And he went to Harvard. And when he gives interviews, he doesn't sound like he has a severe concussion. And he isn't Canadian. I mean, he's kind of perfect. He just turned 27 in August (creeper knowledge) was drafted in 2003 by the New York Rangers. He played, like I said, for Harvard and made his professional debut into the NH with the Phoenix Coyotes' AHL affiliate. He then signed to the Bluejackets minor affiliates, and finally the Islanders where he actually made it to the NHL (if you can't make it on the Islanders, you should quit hockey because I know 8 year olds who could play for the Islanders). His stats are that of someone who has had some injuries and been traded around, but I think he has potential. But part of me only thinks that because he is so hot, he should just be on the team because he's a banagable America, of which are extremely underrepresented in the NHL. Dylan, beers, I'm serious. I've already gone out with 2 psychos from Harvard sporting teams, I need something to balance that out.

Next up, I'm going home town love affair and picking Austin Romine. Austin is currently a New York Yankee! What's not to love about that? He'll be 23 in November (makes it less cradle robbing to say that than say he's 22) and he was drafted out of high school in 2007 by the Yanks. He has been listed as one of the top prospects, and dude almost missed his callups to the bigs because he was shopping at Walmart in Kentucky with his girlfriend while Girardi was trying to get him on the phone. I don't know how true this is, but all I keep thinking is maybe eventually he will show up on People of Wallmart. Also, boo on the fucking fact he has a girlfriend. My new best Twitter friend, Chuck Knoblauch, assured me he'd get me a number. CHUCK IS LYING. I'm sorry, it's way late and I'm kind of out of it and rambling. Anyway, he's really hot and he has a solid career ahead of him, if not with the Yankees than someone else. We have a solid lineup of catchers, however, I'd like to see if this kid can throw to second, because that's where our catchers are SORELY lacking. Anyway, here's Austin Romine.

Next, we're going lax nation. He may or may not kill me for this, but whatever, I'm nominating, as my mother knows him, "my buddy" Mitch Belisle. Mitch played for Cornell, and is originally from MD. He played professionally in Boston for a bit and now I think he's got something going on with Minnesota? I don't know, he told me this story but I think I was a couple beers in on this conversation and I don't really remember. Anyway, he's really fucking funny, and is kind of like a non-Jewish Andy Samberg. He rides his bike to work and my friends love him, and he's a hottie so yeah. Mitch gets the bid this week, and he may or may not stop talking to me after this. Also, he doesn't have Greg Brady hair currently like he does in this picture. I think that's something we should all be grateful for. (Mitch, don't hate me).

And finally, I'm going to change it up and give a lady athlete a spot in HRotW. Ladies can be hot too, and I think the entire world would agree that Hope Solo is better at looking pretty than she is blocking penalty kicks from Japanese women. WHAT? True story. Anyway, Hope is the goalie for the US women's national team and helped lead them to a spot in the WWC final this year against Japan. Bitch looks like a super model, and her hair stays perfect during games somehow. She played at the Universit of Washington, has played for a few clubs around the country, has been to two World Cups and the Olympics. She is a solid keeper and now she's on Dancing with the Stars. God help us all. Anyway, considering a lot of lady soccer players look like Stuart Holden (sorry Stu), bitch gives good rep to the hottie female athletes of the world.

I'd totally bang Sid right now

A late night congrats to my New York Yankees, and especially Jorge Posada. 4o years old and he's still hitting clutch like it's no big deal. Also, I've always said he looks like Sid the sloth from Ice Age, so that's also super endearing.

I'd totally bang Jorge tonight if I could, but I think his wife is on it.

Congrats boys! Phil Hughes, this means we need to get beers before playoffs! I'm really fucking persistent, I'm just throwing it out there!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Nothing says "Hump Day"... a terrifying sketch of Tim Howard left on your desk at work. I got this in text form from my bestie today when she said "someone randomly left this on my desk, I thought you'd appreciate it". Obviously I appreciate it. Who wouldn't appreciate a 1970's comic book style sketch of the tan hi-liter also known as TIMMAY HO? Also, I think whoever drew this was unaware, like majority of people (myself included before I googled him a long time ago) that Tim is half black. This picture makes him look like an albino Native American. I'm just saying.

This reminds me of a fabulously inappropriate and kind of mean rhyme an English guy once told me: "Chim chimminey, chim chimminey, chim chim charoo. My name is Tim Howard and I say FUCK YOU."

Twitter Hilarity

So I am avidly opposed to Twitter, even though I just signed up for it. I just don't get the point of it if you have Facebook statues. Nothing I do in the grand scheme of life is that interesting that the world needs to know about it in 140 words. However, I'm on there now, so it is what it is.

I get up this morning and my 9th grade heart almost died. CHUCK KNOBLAUCH IS FOLLOWING MY ASS ON TWITTER!

I had clippings of Chuck Knoblaugh from the Daily News on my wall in my bedroom at home for YEARS. I loved Chuck! Sure, he had that whole...beating his wife incident in 2009, but he was a four time all-star! And if Charlie Sheen can still get a standing ovation at his roast, fuck it, I can still admire the Chuck Knoblauch who knew the importance of arguing a fair ball call at first base while the runner rounded bases. It's about principle, damn it! He was like a skinny Roger Clemens with a little bit of Aaron Boone's pre"hey girl" flair to him.

Maybe this is a sign from the Twitter gods that Tweeting is a solid sure thing for me. Or, that I continue to have really weird taste in who I admire in the world of baseball. One or the other. Whatever, fuck off, I'm super stoked and I don't care. Now if only Jonathan Taylor Thomas would get on the band wagon, I might actually start to LIKE Twitter.

Love what you do

So for a while, I've been working on a new fiction piece, figuring out what to do with this whole situation, and working at the bar. Among other...things. And the other night, someone asked me "what I do".

I get this question a lot, especially at work. Most of the guys who come into my bar assume I'm an actress, singer, performer, stripper, hooker. You know, the typical "I came to New York to be famous and I ended up paying my bills by way of tips" answer.

When I say I'm a writer on the side, they tend to not know how to respond. Because they know we have legit journalists who work at Sports Illustrated also working at my bar (true story, an editor no less and she's awesome). So I might not be a struggling idiot eating beans and trying to write the next vampire/human sex story for 12 year olds. I might be legit. And this helps, this possibility of being legit. Gives me more clout, even though I'm not really legit. Obviously, ha. Because you don't always get paid big money for big articles. So there is a reason I could be doing both - slinging beers in work shorts and writing about my experiences in bed. LITTLE DO THEY KNOW...

When I tell them about the blog and book, they REALLY don't know how to respond. Some think I'm joking. Some think I'm awesome. Some have no interest in talking to me whatsoever.

The other night, I had the President and CEO of The Chicago Blackhawks at one of my tables. We got to talking about sports, and partly because of the four espressos I had, I found my hands shaking and my whole attitude hyped up. Because we talked hockey. We talked about the Canucks and the Islanders' potential move, and playoffs and trades. We talked about my book and about what I went to school for. We talked about my love of sports, and he and his guest both seemed entirely impressed. They told me I should send a reel to a couple of stations, because they both thought I'd do very well with sports commentary. I proceeded to talk about my dream of one day overthrowing Kimberly Jones. They also threw me invites to games if I ever go to Chicago, and then I told them the story about my most epic bender that occurred in Chicago. Surprisingly, the invite wasn't revoked!

The point is, I remember when I first started this whole thing, I was worried. "I write about sex" was all I kept thinking, and I was nervous to admit that to people, especially guys I went out with, or guys in suits. I thought people would look down on me, think I was slutty, think I was uneducated. Rachel Uchitel was like my anti-self, because I just kept thinking eventually people are going to compare me to her and I'm going to get this shitty rep that's based off her stupidity, not my own. For a while, I struggled with the reality of what I really wanted to do and it sucked balls.

And then finally, I thought "what the fuck do I give a shit? I'm way happy".

And suddenly, I stopped caring and started realizing that while I'm not exactly solving the world economic problems or getting paid millions to share my life with you fucks, I still hold my own pretty well without the safety nets that the likes of Sarah Silverman and Chelsea Handler have. And I'm doing it pretty fucking well without any abortion jokes.

Now, I love talking about it. And I love having the ability to tell people about it at my bar. It's like in person PR shit. And sometimes, it works in my favor.

There is nothing I would rather do all day than talk to people about hockey, or lacrosse, or baseball, or injuries or trades or signing bonuses or mechanics or stats. I love being a girl who loves sports. I got so worked up by these two old ball men at my table because we were bullshitting about playoffs, and it's the dude WHO RUNS THE TEAM. It's like talking to Joe Torre about baseball. Or Bill Bellichik about football. The guy took a good 30 minutes out of his meal to chat with me and that made me feel like hey, I wasn't totally fucking up the conversation. Some girls get off on Bergdorf. I get off on hockey blather.

Clearly, I also love the sex aspect and I've totally come to appreciate my abilities here. Not my sexual abilities, though I have many of those in my own damn mind. But my ability to take to this poorly constructed website and tell some of my favorite stories to fuckers I have never met. Because in my own mind, they're good fuckin' stories. Literally.

So when people mock me, and they do, for being 25 and working in a bar, despite having a degree and once having aspirations to do the whole sports journalism thing, I look back over the last year, or even three years, and say fuck off. I love my life. I make just as much money as a lot of the assholes who slave across the street at Barclays for 10 hours a day, and I have a lot of fun doing what I do. My life is a balance of working to pay bills and doing something I love to do. Bullshitting with you fuckers on an almost daily basis. When shit hits the fan, or I'm in a mood, I have this whole open book to say whatever the fuck I want and get it off my chest. It's like free therapy and at the end of the day, it gives me a little bit thicker skin.

I used to feel shitty that I ended up in a bar. But honestly, these stories all started out in a bar, and got told over a beer or nine. I can't imagine starting this whole process anywhere else. I'd never be happy behind a desk, crunching numbers, buying someone else's lunch for them in ugly shoes and my hair pulled back. Fuck, would you trust me with millions of dollars?! I'm going with a no if you have 1/4 a brain on that one. Whether this shit ever goes big or whether it stays to my 250,000+ readers I have now, doesn't matter. I'm a sports nut through and through, and I write because it's the only thing I legitimately don't get bored of doing. I enjoy telling stories and my only hope is you guys like reading 'em. I do what I do, and on the side I hang out in a steak house and bullshit with my friends and serve Stella's and J dubbs black on the rocks to dudes, 70% of whom are assholes. But I come home at night and I get to come home to this, and for me, that's good. I don't hide shit. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't spend my life fighting to get a promotion or to get recognized or to get someone else's report finished so that oen day I can have a job I hate just as much but that pays more. I enjoy the fuck out of my life! And this whole situation has given me the ability to accept who I am, what I do, and embrace it.

From sixth to tenth grade, I kept journals. And when I was cleaning out my closet a few weeks before I moved in, I found one and went through it. And there's this whole really fucking lame entry about a boy I "loved" in 8th grade. And about how much better I felt about the situation after I wrote about it. And at the end it says, "maybe I want to be a writer when I grow up". I shit you not, I know that's some cliche Lifetime movie shit right there, but it's true. And that's what I've always wanted to do. I've always wanted to write, I've always loved to do it, and I finally found two topics that go well together that I can really shine with. After all the shit I've been through, seen, done, fucked, spooned with, why would I ever write about anything else? First rule of thumb, you write about what you know. I know sports, and I know sex, and I'm not going to change anytime soon. So this is what I have to offer.

Fuck, at this point I don't have a choice because it's book or bust because God knows I ain't getting hired at any law firms anytime soon with this Google track record of "FUCK". If you can't tell from the picture of the brunette retard in the middle up there, I like to have a good time, have some laughs and document the stupidity of the things I get myself into. So in the grand scheme of things, I landed on my feet. And I'm learning that that's a fair thing to be happy about.

Technical Difficulties

So if you can't tell, I'm adjusting the page a bit to look less like a 4th grade Computer Science project and more like the reason I got a D- in Computer Science freshman year. Until I can get a person who actually knows what the fuck CSS is (clearly not me), I'll be playing around with it, and suggestions are most definitely welcome. I don't want to make anyone go blind here.


Alright, so as for now, welcome to the new blog! Different layout, same old sassy bitch bullshit. I'm also embarrassingly now a toolbag on Twitter, so if you'd like to catch up with me throughout the day when I'm doing really exciting things like grocery shopping, buying new shoes, picking out underwear or cooking pasta - you know, real cool shit - you can check me out on there. @StefWilliams25. Obviously the first person I followed was Nick Schommer. HI NICK.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Vagina double standards

I don't even know where to begin with what my weekend was. As my friend Jock said, Saturday night was like a Stefon skit from Saturday Night live. Are you looking for a fun Saturday night? Well look no further than Diablo Royale Este (seriously, that's where we were). This place has EVERYTHING. Fainting chicks, lacrosse players with scottish accents, gay paramedics, fire trucks, ambulance rides for three, crackheads hiding under sheets, sock bandit victims from Goldman Sachs.

Needless to say, a short trip to the ER ensued and let me just say if you want a free fucking comedy show on a Saturday night, go sit in Beth Israel hospital at 3 in the morning. It was fun for the firs two hours, but then we realized my friend wasn't going to die and if she was, the people at Beth Israel were less concerned than I was and I'd probably have more of a shot saving her, so I took her home. But still, this was my weekend. This is why I rarely venture to the East Village. Shady shit happens. But this is what it looked like before the ER. Also, best line of the night goes to me. While sitting in the waiting room in the ER, some prep star walks in looking straight off the ferry from Nantucket. Floodsy khakis, button down, loafers, you know the drill. He looked like a total tool. He also looked like someone went Patrick Bateman on his face. He was there for stitches above his left eyes. Apparently, he claims he walked into a sign post while "staring at hot chicks in the street" (happens to me ALL the time!). To which I responded., "let's be real dude. Did the same guy who fucked up your face steal your socks too?"

Clearly my compassion for the sick and injured knows no bounds.

ANYWAY, while I'd love to go on about how I always end up with a serious FAIL story when I go out on the weekends, I'd like to move on to something more on target.

I've done a ton of posts about sexting in the last year. Clearly, Grady Sizemore is one of my most favorite people ever. I once had a guy send me a similar pic, but it included a Listerine bottle, not a coffee cup. I have since deleted it, as he turned out to be a dick (no pun intended), but I appreciated the effort.

I am all for sexting. This may one day come back to bite me in the ass, but considering I post enough shameless pics on this site on my own, and this blog in general has limited my ability to probably get a "normal" job in the near future, it's not my biggest concern in life. I have sent a fair amount of pics to boys in my lifetime. Like I said, what I can do with a 3MP camera is worth of a Pulitzer.

I also know that long distance relationships suck. Having been with enough athletes who were never less than 100 miles away from me at any given time, it's not like you can have sex whenever you want. You have to keep the relationship fun, intimate, sexy, when you can't be in the same bed naked together. Sexting saves a lot of relationships. It also ruins a lot of relationships if not done with the other half of the relationship lol. But let's skip that part for now..

Mind you, I'm not saying like, get tagged giving head to some random dude. Smart, sensible and not frighteningly graphic always seemed to work for me.

So when pictures surface and ruin lives, it bothers me. A lot. Especially because more often than not, it's women who get fucked (again, no pun intended) by photo leaks. Grady Sizemore had dick pics all over the internet. He still plays baseball (why, I have no idea). He didn't get fired or threatened, sued or suspended. Throw that same situation to a woman who works in an office, or in this case, for NASCAR, and you'd have a different story.

While I was down in Alabama, I met a girl named Paige. She is awesome. Down home, sweet as can be from South Carolina, really pretty, outgoing, cool, down to earth. She made my whole experience down there better because she was one of the "other side" girls who was just chill and down for bullshitting and laughing.

I found out Paige used to be a NASCAR Sprint Cup girl. She's also a model and she's a total hottie. She fit in with NASCAR very well (I actually mean that in a good way, not a beer belly, mullet, dirty wife beater with sweat stains way).

And then pictures from a few years ago surfaced. Nothing crazy. Nothing Rhianna didn't do, or ScarJo, or moi. Nothing graphic or horribly disgusting. Just some nudie pics she sent to her boyfriend at the time.

And then she got fired.

Needless to say, girl will land on her feet. She's gorgeous and cool and something else will pop up for her. But I just found it really dick that something she did, privately, came out and not even by her, and she was let go. I know there are like, image situations and what not. But she's still beautiful and cool and a good fit for what she was doing. Those pictures from years ago, had nothing to do with what she was doing or how she was representing NASCAR. Just like Grady Sizemore's pictures didn't represent Major League Baseball or, at the time, the Cleveland Indians. And if you think people who go and watch NASCAR haven't done the same shit, you're totally mistaken. It's the fucking south.

In getting to know Paige, I think I got more defensive because she's a hip girl with a good attitude. And a lot of people would go as far as to say "she made a mistake, she should have known better". No. A mistake is fucking adding an extra "0" while doing equity trading and losing UBS 2 billion dollars. That's a fucking mistake. Sharing shit with someone you're with, or hell even someone you just wanna bang, isn't a mistake. Being 18 and being proud of your body, not a mistake. Privately sending pictures to a dude you're dating, not a mistake. And I don't think Paige should be apologizing to ANYONE. Something she did in private, that neither hurt anyone or effected her ability to perform her duties at NASCAR, should have no bearing on this situation. It's NASCAR for Christ's sake, not the Supreme Court. They make the girls look like total hotties, tight outfits, makeup, hair, tits out. I mean, Paige is really smart and shit, but they aren't putting these girls in the winner's circle to discuss world fucking peace or the deficit ceiling. Paige is hot and what she chooses to do with her hotness (that sounds so weird but you know what I mean) shouldn't be totally dictated by the fucking rednecks at NASCAR. She's a grown ass woman.

I feel bad for her that pictures leaked, because I know not everyone is as forthright about sex and stuff as I am. She trusted that those would be kept private, and they weren't, and whoever leaked them is a total dbag. But I think she is a good chickie and doesn't deserve the slack she got for what happened. I also hope that if nothing else, next time she sends pics, if she does, she gets some collateral because one thing I have learned is you always need something to come back with. I've sent a lot of pics in my time, but trust me when I say I've gotten many back in return. In fact, I have a password protected file on my computer that is basically a whole lot of torso and pubic hair. Why? Because I would know exactly who leaked which pic if pics ever leaked, and I have WAY less to lose than most of these guys do. I would never leak them just for shits and giggles. But you always have to have something in your corner too.

At the end of the day, I'm not like, advocating for people to send naked pics of themselves to other people, because I think a lot of people are dumb and don't get the potential consequences of it. But I also think that the consequences of sending pics shouldn't be what they generally are, especially for women. It's so easy to label a girl a slut, a whore, a "cum dumpster" when something remotely sexual is brought to light about the girl's personal life. Everything else the girl has ever done or accomplished can be wiped off the fucking map with one picture of an ass or a left tit in a mirror reflection. And I just think that's retarded. If it came out that Mother Theresa was sending text pictures of herself to Jesus, would it negate all the good shit she did in her life? If pictures of Angelina Jolie surfaced that were originally sent to Brad Pitt, would it change the 4 billion babies she's adopted or the 3rd world countries she's bought and tried to rebuild? I'm going with a no. People have sex. People have naked bodies. People have feelings and like to be intimate. And I would hope that if my boss found out I have sex a lot (my boss knows this actually), I would hope he wouldn't fire me just because of something that I do, along with 97% of the population. I hate going all bra burner on you, but women need to wake the fuck up and realize men get away with everything, while women get blamed for everything. If a man cheats, it's biology. If a man fucks 400 women, it's biology. If a man sends naked pictures, it's funny. It's a man's world and women need to start saying "fuck you". Nude pictures doesn't make a person less capable of performing a job. Fucking 100 guys, doesn't make a person less capable of performing a job. Owning 12 vibrators, doesn't make a person less capable of doing a job. Having a sex drive, enjoying sex, doesn't make someone a slut or less capable of performing a God damn job. And the fact that men get away with this shit way more often than women do says a lot about the control of the situation. Me, Paige and Karen Owen need to work on a whole "women can have a good time too you assholes" forum. I might have to invest in this.