Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Great Ideas from the Bench

Recently, as the Yankees catch up to the Phillies record, I've started to hate them less. Not entirely, but less. Or maybe I just don't care as much at the moment because until playoffs and, magic man in the sky willing, the World Series, the only thing interesting about the Phil's is Cole Hamel's penis.

However, this gem came across my desk and I thought ohhh baseball I love your attitudes toward fucking and celebrity.

Apparently, Phillie's outfielder John Mayberry Jr. (yeah, I didn't know him either), thinks that pinch-hitting in the 9th inning and playing in like, 140 games in 4 years, makes him a desirable baseball player, the likes of Derek Jeter. Also, he has just announced to the world he needs to send out for pussy.

Apparently, while watching Pirates of the Carribean 4: Johnny Depp Changed Has Legal Name to Jack Sparrow, Mayberry decided Antoinette Nikprelaj who played "the mermaid", was the right girl for him. At least he knew his place and didn't go for Penelope Cruz. That might take a few more, you know, millions, or home runs, or actual achievements, or the ability to pick up chicks without your manager...

So he gets in touch with his agent (who may or may not be considering retiring after his client decided to merge baseball agents and the millionaire matchmaker into one career category), and say "send this chick my limited highlight reels and set up a date".

So Mayberry's agent, who probably had to fucking take a few shots of Blackhouse before he moved from contract negotiation to panty style suggestions for a first date, sends Nikprelaj's agency a friendly little e-mail:

"I hate to even be sending you this e-mail and I'm quite embarrassed to say the least, but we have a young client on the Philadelphia Phillies who asked us if we knew any agents at Innovative Artists and could connect him to Antoinenne Nikprelaj. I know you are not a dating or set-up service, but John Maryberry Jr. (Phillies OF) would love to meet Antoinette or invite her to a baseball game sometime. Would this be possible?"

While my response to this e-mail would be "does the CC on this e-mail make it look like my name is Sharon Steinberg? Because I'm pretty sure I'm not a fucking old Jewish lady with a fucking Fiddler on my roof, you asshole", Nikprelaj's publicist did the next best thing and sent the e-mail to the New York Post. Ahhh, nothing scream humiliation like a breakdown in The Post.

I'm all for athletes, and yeah, I've dated a few down trodden ones in my lifetime, but honestly, this reminds me of the time I was 18 and sent a letter to Ryan Gossling's publicist asking him for a date (fuck off, it was right after The Notebook came out). I know a lot of celebrity couples get paired through work and through clients and all that bullshit... I know a lot of it is a set up. But I wonder if that shit wreaks of desperation as much as this one does. And even if it does, fuck dude, it hasn't gone public. I mean, not for anything, this dude probably can pull some vagina with the Phillies card he's got to play. I mean, he's not Cole Hamels, ahem, but to some unsuspecting drunk bitch in a bar, who knows nothing about baseball and thinks getting a hit is when the ball makes contact with the bat (I'm talking to you, Minka Kelly, we all know you're looking for a rebound), he could make that work in his favor without having to disclose that he will probably get traded eventually and end up on a long string of teams that will never win a World Series.

Or honestly, go through friends. Having your agent set this shit up is like having your mom set up a play date with a guy you really like. Fucking grow a set and find your own connection to the bitch. I'm sure someone on the 30 teams in baseball has some kind of connection to this girl. Friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. Going through your agent makes it look like you a.) didn't have the balls to do it yourself, b.) don't give a shit enough to do it yourself, c.) you're not capable of getting ladies on your own that you have to watch Disney movies and pick them out of the cast lineup for dates. Give me a fucking break! Why doesn't he just post an ad on Craigslist (a la Coco Crisp?) for fuck's sake. God, go through Facebook even! I cut out the middle man entirely and simply send dudes random messages on Facebook about possibly getting beers. Nick Schommer is included in that list of dudes, by the way. That was some serious Facebook FBIing on my part. If I can do it, there is no reason this guy can't bust out a computer in the 8 other innings he isn't playing and do a little digging on his own. Make the effort fucker, you don't have a ring yet.

Also, this girl Antoinette is a hottie. I know nothing about her, but if she happens to have a chance at even being C list in the industry, settling for this dude is not a place she wants to go. She needs to take her beautiful brunette ass and pick her own athletes to bang. She looks kind of like the girl who played Sloan in Entourage, but thinner and younger. She has a shot. I'm glad she saw the free agent extension denied writing on the wall and said "nah, thanks" to this guy.


  1. The agent should be fired for EVER leaving an email. Honestly, this stuff happens ALL the time (pretty much every guy Reese Witherspoon dated after Ryan Phillippe was set up by her agent including her current husband, Jim Toth) for celebs and athletes. He should have called and not sent an email (or left a voicemail), but waited until he could have talked to a live person. Agent sounds like a dumbass (which is likely why he's repping Mayberry and not starters).

    In other news, supposedly Diaz and A-Rod broke up.