Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The INT word...

Whenever a guy blows me off or doesn't ask me out for a second date, my mother always tries to make me feel better by saying "he was probably just intimidated by you, Stef." Like, I guess because I was such a fucking nerdball as a child - too skinny, too sickly, big glasses, bad skin, no friends, etc. etc (super attractive) - my mom still doesn't want me to ever feel like people don't like me because of how I look or am. If she had the power, I would win Miss USA every year, without entering. Mary is the world's greatest ego boost because she thinks I'm like, sex personified. Which, in some way, I guess I kind of am. Fuck yeah. But when she pulls the intimidation card, it drives me nuts. My usual response as I'm storming away crying in PJs with a pint of Ben & Jerry in my hand is "I'M FIVE FOOT FOUR AND I WEIGH LIKE A HUNDRED POUNDS. I AM LESS INTIMIDATING THAT A TODDLER GOING THROUGH THE TERRIBLE TWOS". .

But I do get a lot of questions about how this whole blog has effected my dating life the last year. A lot of people assume one of two things. I either get laid, a lot, or guys avoid me like the plague.

It's kind of a mix of the two.

Look, there are a million other more terrible things I could tell a guy on a first date than "I run a blog about sex and sports and a lot of it is personal". I have AIDS, for one. I have herpes. I'm really a guy with a good tuck job. I'm not on the pill. I want babies immediately. I'm waiting until marriage to have sex. Like, a million worse things right?

It still isn't easy. For one, I date a lot of momma's boys. Boys who want the girl they can bring home to mom. And I don't know if many mothers are thrilled at the idea of their sons dating a girl who writes about sex for a living. I feel like that's a really weird conversation for Thanksgiving dinner. I can say that because it caused a feud at mine this year, so, I get it.

On the flip side, guys are also really big pussies. Like, when I date a guy, I make it a habit of knowing every girl he's ever, at the very least, dated, if not fucked, so I can be shallow and compare myself to them and figure out why I'm better. Whatever, this is crazy girl habit and we all do it, don't even act like you're above it you bitches. Guys on the other hand are total fucking wah wahs and want to pretend they are the only penis that's ever been near your bajina. They don't want have knowledge of anyone you fucked on the chance that the last dude you fucked is well known to be better. Better at sex, better at their job, better looking, whatever. Everyone makes women out to be the insecure psychopaths, but in the long run, men are beyond insecure. The amount of coddling and lying women do to make sure they feel on top of the world is fucking mind blowing.

So since the blog, there are times I've taken my mom's word at face value. Because there have been dudes who don't call me back, dudes who disappear. And without cause or reason. Believe it or not, I'm hotter in person. I'm not a bad looking girl and I'm way fun. I'm not the world's most hapless fucking date, I swear to God. I've been on a few dates in the last year. Had a mini relationship with Alvin in DC. Clearly, you fuckers know my life story and you;d clearly know if I found a penis to stick by. And since I'm not completely deformed (sans the small tits thing), and I'm not wholly retarded (unless I have more than 7 drinks), I chalk it up to the intimidation thing. And maybe this is my own ass coddling myself, but whatever, it's working, so hear me the fuck out.

I used to think guys would love an independent girl who wasn't a total fucking lush who didn't focus solely on makeup and gossip and The Vampire Diaries. Who liked sex and wasn't afraid of it. Who loves sports and liked going to games and drinking beer. I have always been one of the boys. But I think I'm starting to wonder if boys really do like the whispy, brain full of bullshit, damsel in distress type of girls.

I don't think boys like to be schooled in sports. However, I like schooling boys in sports, mainly because I like proving I can do something boys can. Same with the sex thing. I like putting myself on equal footing. Because I don't really give a shit about Vogue, or fashion, or shoes, or Angelina fucking Jolie. I don't pretend to not get something to seem "innocent". I don't cow down to boys because they're hot and I certainly don't pretend to be Betty fuckin Crocker housewife material.

With that said, two things to note: 1.) I'm not a lesbian and 2.) I'm still a really fucking good girlfriend when the opportunity presents itself. I'm still a pisces and at the end of the day, the main thing a pisces girl does well is show their significant other that they are needed and supported. And I look DAMN fuckin good in a pair of Victoria Secret panties. I can woo the parents, rock a cocktail dress, be good arm candy and make a guy feel awesome without making myself feel stupid.

I've come to terms with the fact that it's going to take a seriously strong guy to fill the spot DC dbag recently vacated. I've come to terms that one quick Google search might kill 999,999 opportunities with dudes because one of the first things that comes up is "Ten Things Sleeping with Professional Athletes has Taught Me as a Woman". And I'm well aware that the lacrosse community is TOTALLY catching on to my "want to grab beers?" meme, although if my recent cougar situation laxer is reading this, you I'm actually pretty interested in (which means message me back damn it!). Regardless, I know who I am, what I am, and what I've got to offer and that's keeping me going. That's what's kept me on the blog. I choose to do this, to put my name on it, to brag about it and brand it with everything I have. No one has a gun to my head and I would choose the blog a million times over a guy who would want me to lie about who I am and what I do and what I love. So yes, I do think it's intimidating. I do think I'm intimidating. Not because I think I'm so drop dead gorgeous (people need to see me without makeup, terrifying). Not because of anything physical, but because I'm a chick with half a brain and a wikipedia-like knowledge about sports. And because I have no problem joking about wanting sex. Or ACTUALLY wanting sex. Everyone tells me guys like the chase. Yeah? Well, I fucking hate running which is why I avoid the gym like the plague and if you want me to ignore your phone calls, don't fucking call me.

I love what I do and who I am. I love the blog and despite my mother's assurance that "you don't NEED to get married, Stef" making me nervous that Mary then thinks I'm NOT getting married, this is me and if you can't take what I've done in my life, you can't deal with me to begin with. I'm not here to coddle or lie or pretend your penis is the biggest I've ever seen, or you felt the best, or you look the best naked, or I've never tried that. I'm here to give what I got, and eventually some fucker will be lucky enough to have it. I'm proud of what I got. It's rare, it's not really what the hot girls give off these days, and I'm going to play it until I find a guy who can convince me why the Redsox deserve respect. Until I find a guy who intimidates the fuck out of me with the ability to convince me that dustin Pedroia is a good person. Welcome to my life. I love it, and I hope you fuckers do too.

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