Monday, September 26, 2011

Jersey Chasing when the jersey is a child's XS.

That title makes me sound like an avid participant on How to Catch a Predator, but it's not as bad as it sounds ha.

So recently, with the onslaught of "people you know" on Facebook, there have been numerous new athletes popping up from the trenches and I add them for multiple reasons. 1.) new athletes give me new material to work with, even if I'm not banging them. Buffers my HRotW lists, gives me insight into certain athletes habits, dating or otherwise, and also gives me an ability to find out if certain athletes are single. What, have you not read the whole fucking blog? Jesus, judgey judger. 2.) It gives me the ability to reach out to new athletes for info, be it something along the lines of my (hopeful and likely) baseball contributor, or some information on teammates I think are hot, etc. etc. 3.) It gives me the opportunity to introduce myself, suggest going for beers and possibly score a new story (admitting this probably just ruined those chances though ha).

I've always said Facebook has been one of the best tools I've had in all my jersey chasing glory. It's just a solid opportunity for me to get involved, and it's like a snowball effect. Once you have two or three guys on a team in your lists, others start getting recommended. And it's not that I want to bang every guy I can on a specific team (though my soccer situation of years past might actually call that statement into question, heh), but like I said, having the connections is always useful for someone like me, in all areas of life - work, fun, dating, fucking. You know, the norm.

Needless to say, I've added a LOT of lacrosse players in the last few months. Between Maryland's class of 2011, who I fondly refer to as my baby Terps (still so proud of you fuckers), and new guys popping up who are in the MLL, to different lacrosse programs like LXM pro and Lacrosse Playground (my buddies run both), it keeps me connected as I age and really can no longer claim the title of lacrosstitute like I used to. Fuck I'm old.

And speaking of old, I'm starting to wonder what the jersey chasing rules are regarding someone younger. I mean, if you ask Kim Kardashian, there are no rules. Both Reggie Bush and Kris Humphries are five years younger than her.

I have only ever liked one athlete that has been more than a year younger than me, and that was soccer kid (Brian Mitchell? Was that his name in my book? I don't even know, I go by nicknames still, I'm the worst author in the world). He was just about two years younger than me. Give or take. And at 23, which is what I was when he dicked me and ended up fucking a girl who looked like Stephanie Pratt because he couldn't get with my best friend (ah, memories), 21 is kind of weird. I mean, I didn't care at the time, but that's because I was so fuckin crazy obsessed with him I was too busy engraving our wedding invitations to really think about birthdays (not really true but kind of).

But now, Facebook is challenging me to be a cougar in training. A lacrosse player who legit just graduated from college in May (not Maryland though) popped up in my "people you might know/want to bang" thing on Facebook. And I checked his ass out, and he is WAY cute. Not hot, and my friend even called out a possible hair line sitch, but definitely my type of guy looks wise. In fact, Jock McFly even called it - he actually has a strong look of Soccer Kid. Creepy, non?

So here I am, trying to figure out a few things. One, where he graduated from is of course probably the only college with a solid lacrosse program where I don't have ONE FRIEND I can reach out to because I don't know one person who went there, let alone has gone there in the last two years. Two, he's 22. Like, that's a big fucking deal. Three years. Fresh out of college. And for guys, that's like "I'm not getting in a relationship for the next 8 years" time of your life. Fuck, Alvin, the DC dbag former SF giants guy, he was 30 and had graying hair I couldn't even lock that shit down.

So I approached in the only way I know how - absolutely no subtlety whatsoever. Sent a message, introduced myself, mentioned the blog and how I like to keep up with guys in the game, etc. etc. Also reached out to one of my baby terps who I think knows him and hit him up with a "hi I'm pulling a mrs. Robinson wanna help?" message.

Both have gone unanswered, though I know the latter has been traveling the last day so. I'm hoping it's not a "Stef is crazy" situation, particularly because I'll probably be seeing him at homecoming! Nice.

Anyway, I have NO idea if I'd have any sort of shot with this kid (emphasis on the kid, fuck). Which is throwing me off because if you haven't learned, rarely is there a dude in a uni that I don't think I can pull some strings with, somehow, someway. Like, I have more misguided confidence when it comes to athletes than anyone else I can think of. But this one is throwing me off because I feel like a total fucking creeper. Like an old lady cougar. And this shit is PISSING THE FUCK OUT OF ME. Even sending him a message, I was like "ew, I feel like a pedo".

But, in the grand scheme of things, he is way cute, way talented, just lined up a decent job and I'm trying to convince myself that age really isn't a factor here. My batshit crazy, straight forward aversion to subtlety might be. But my age? Am I really that far out of the game? I can still drink like a 20 year old. I still bang with the inhibitions of a college kid. I still work at a bar. COME ON, I'm not THAT old! I just need to find an angle that doesn't include like, MILF fantasies or Samantha Jone's inability to admit defeat in the age fucking factor.

I feel like a creeper. But is three years really that big of a deal? Especially when he's still eight inches taller than me? I don't know. But what I do know is the age thing is putting me in a position that I don't really know how to proceed, even though I want to make a move. Like, a legit "let's get beers" move.

Do I stick to the 25-31 year olds? Or do I make a move that could potentially embarrass my ass with a whole new generation of laxers?

Sidenote: This was me at 22. I don't know if I'd go back to the short hair, but I'd go back to the thinner face. Fuck. I'm old.


  1. Definitely not old at all, Younger guys are attracted to older women anyway...

  2. Okay, you started out well on the "not old at all" but kind of went down hill on the "younger guys are attracted to older women" thing hahaha. But thanks for the confidence boost!