Monday, September 12, 2011

K stands for Korny as fuck

Obviously a lot of people got married and had babies this summer. Some people broke up a la Jay Cutler and the chick from the Hills (those bitches are all interchangeable to me, so names are not required). Posh had a baby and still looks like a feed the children campaign on heels. But right now, I want to discuss Kim Kardashian's wedding to Kris Humphries, guard for the New Jersey Nets.

Kim has always been one of my favorite jersey chasers. She and her batshit family are one of my guilty pleasures. I secretly enjoy them, because in all the fame whoring and spin off shows about nothing, I feel like there IS a family there. And a lot of the interaction between the three oldest reminds me of my relationship with my own sister. So secretly (well, not so much anymore), I do enjoy the Kardashians. Plus, Kim is a fellow jersey chaser in a the good way. She seriously dated Reggie Bush, who apparently has the worst case of halitosis known to mankind according to one of my buddies at SI (I always get the best gossip from that crew ha), then she went for Miles Austin of the Dallas Cowboys, who to me looks like the hotter version of her current husband, Kris Humphries. I gotta give the girl props, she went athlete to athlete in her life, post 25. I commend her.

So let me just say, when the pictures of Kim's wedding surfaced, I was like... what the fuck is this shit?

Fine, we got a glimpse of the marriage fame whoring with Khloe's wedding. I get it. You sell pics to the paps, you have a free wedding! But like, all the rumors about this shit, plus the guest list from hell, and that beaded head thing? I mean, I've seen weddings at Mohegan Sun fashioned by David's bridal that have been less fucking tacky than this mess.

First, let's break down outfits:

K, first, the dress. I don't really dig strapless. For me, it just leaves something to be desired, in this case, support for Kim's fucking massive tittays. It fit alright, but she still looked a little TOO curvy, you know? Like, cheeseball curvy. Like trashy curvy. As for that beaded headbang/belly necklace thing? Ridiculous. For me, the biggest part of a wedding is hair and dress. If your hair and dress look good, you can show up sans makeup, panties, bra, soul, whatever, and still have damn good wedding pictures. This headband thing a.) takes away from the already mediocre dress and b.) makes her look even more like Princess Jasmine, in a bad way, than she already does. Plus, if you live in California, take advantage of the humidity-free weather. Wear your hair down. Kim looks 4 billion times better with her hair down than she does with it up, and for me, the whole ensemble was just too much of BLAH.

As for the bridesmaids...I thought the dreses themselves were nice, but bitch was taking a page from Kate Middleton's "I don't have to be the only one in white, I'm not like that" book and I just don't think it worked as well. I know the whole even was "back or white", but I actually preferred the bridesmaids dresses to Kim's dress. And that's sad when your sisters look like they are more equipped to aesthetically get married than you do.

I also don't do white jackets, so Kris Humphries tux was not one of my favorites. White jackets make me think of my high school graduations, because the girls wore white dresses and guys wore black pants and white jackets (we didn't have caps and gowns, Garden City is so above tradition ha). So when I marry a guy, I'd like to not be brought back to my senior pool party where I made out with my at the time best friend's unrequited high school crush and threw up in the Garden City Pool's parking lot at 4 in the morning. I'm just saying, it was a good time, but a one time kind of deal, ya know?

I was on the fence about the "Team Hump" juicy sweats. Cute for pre-wedding shit, but honestly at the reception? No. Am I the only person who likes looking nice for a long time? Like, when I get dressed up, I want it to last for as long as humanly possible because more often than not I am in sweats and a t-shirt being fat. A with 4 billion pictures being taken, I'd just wanna feel good, not feel like I should be ordering Ooki Sushi and watching True Blood on a Sunday night (ps, season finale was SO fucking good).

Rumor has it this wedding cost about 15 million, and the KD's didn't pay a dime for it! Why? Because they sold their shit to the highest bidder and THEY paid for it. But then I also heard that despite the extravagence and cheeseball over the top nature of the whole thing, Kris Humphries parents flew coach to California and had to pay for it themselves. Dick? I mean, their son makes upwards of $1.8 a year. He couldn't spring for some AMEX miles and get an upgrade? Seriously?

Do I see this situation lasting? I have no idea, and I'll say that honestly. I thought Khloe and Lamar were doomed, and they seem to still be going strong. Same with Kourtney and Scott Dissick, who while he is a HUGE douche, is probably one of the funnier fuckers on the show, mainly because he looks like Patrick Bateman and I am constantly waiting for him to run on set naked with a chainsaw chasing Bruce Jenner. I'd literally pay to see that. Anyway, my point is, I think if the guy is equally as big of a fame whore, it's going to be okay. And from what I've seen with Kris Humphries, I think he's in that category. I watched the episode where they are in Bora Bora, and he played into that shit like he had been working for Ryan Seacrest for YEARS. He isn't camera shy, he isn't "America will think I'm an idiot" shy, so I think there's a chance for this to last. Reggie Bush? While he may have stinky breath, I don't think he's an in the spot light kind of dude. Neither was (so he claimed) Miles Austin. Both relationships ended. So to me, Kris Humphries apparent inability to not look like a tool (he plays for a team from NJ, what do you expect), makes me think this has a chance of going the (Hollywood) distance (of at least 2 years).

And finally, let me just throw this in here under "who the fuck invited her?". Lindsay and Dina Lohan, good fucking Lord. I have been working painstakingly over the years to try to change people's perception of Long Island, and bitches just keep dragging my efforts down. Check out these two pearls of youth and vitality. Good lord. Lindsay looks BEAT. Like, do you guys remember that story on CNN a couple years ago, about the 5 year old Iraqi boy who was attacked by extremists with acid, and they brought him to the US to fix his face and they had to put like, coke cans under his skin to stretch his skin? Yeah, he looked better than Lindsay.


  1. Ha! Like you, I used to really love the Kardashians because way back when, they actually seemed somewhat "normal," and "relatable." But I was completely turned off by this "wedding." Did you read the reports about how guests were annoyed with all the cameras at the wedding? Yuck. Look, I'm all for people making money and capitalizing off their reality/sports fame, but when you get EVERYTHING free for your wedding AND DON'T PAY A DIME FOR ANYTHING, it comes off, frankly, as very trashy. Like, trailer park trashy. Supposedly, the K family earned $65M last year-they could have paid for everything, but not only did they not pay for anything, they earned money from the nuptials. TRASH.

    Let's talk details: The ring, I don't care how big it is, is UGLY. It frankly, look fake. Give me a 3.5 carat stunner over that monstrosity any day.

    The headpiece Kim wore: REALLY UGLY.

    The bridesmaids dresses: Pippa wore white in England because that's how the English do it. I agree that Khloe and Kourtney actually looked better.

    On a day that's supposed to about love, commitment, and family, they made it all about KASH.

  2. Gah, I love you.

    This was really the first I read about the whole Krazy Kool Kardashian wedding, so I didn't know much about it. But, what I did know is that Kim had 3 dresses hand made by Vera Wang herself. And honestly, I am disappointed. Oh Vera, how could you disappoint me so?

    Also... he has HULK HANDS