Friday, September 16, 2011

She had a Carrie Bradshaw moment

I never, ever watch reality tv (this will come back to hypocritically bite me in the ass in a month). My sister could live off of it. I swear to god, sometimes I think her best friends are Real Housewives, Teen Moms, Basketball Wives and COPS. She knows more about people she's never met than she does half of her immediate family. But for me, I just can't. It's too scripted, too bullshit, too embarrassing. Like, that kind of embarrassing when it hurts too much to watch someone else make a complete jackass of themselves that you cringe and cover your eyes. Trainwrecks, basically.

So needless to say, when Kristin Cavallari (I don't know the difference between her, LC or the Heidi Montag creature) got engaged to Jay Cutler, I thought two things. One, that girl was in a Teddy Geiger video when I was in college. Two, Jay Cutler has made WAY more money in the last five years that I originally thought. 2006 there was a 6 year 40 mil contract, 2009 there were negotiations reaching 30 mil. Dude is worth more bank (in NFL instability terms anyway) than I initially realized.

He is not attractive to me in the least bit. He looks like a rodeo guy to me. Like, someone who has been hit in the face multiple fucking times with bulls horns. Lost teeth, like 10 broken noses, a few mutilated cheek bones, a gash across the forehead that made his hairline fucked up. He doesn't strike me as the Tom Brady type of QB. Maybe he has a bangin' personality or a huge monster cock though, I don't know. But I also find her to be less than attractive. Like, she's hot in guy terms, easily fuckable, but doesn't she just look like a huge bitch? Like, popular asshole who says "oh my god" a lot and is about as deep as the puddle of rice water I just spilled on my kitchen floor while making lunch.

I guess in whatever fucked up way they went together, and after 8 months of dating they decided to get engaged. Because that's always a great idea.

Anyway, I don't know much about this whole situation. I should probably do a little more research about like, their relationship in general or what they liked about each other (why do I feel like this might be a tough one to answer?), but they got engaged in April, and by July, they were done.

Rumor has it Jay did the dumping. At first, I didn't buy it because I'm shallow and when ugly dudes dump hot chicks, I always think "is this fucker crazy? Or is he gay?". Because I'm shallow, again. And while I don't particularly like this girl, looks wise she is far superior to him. But then I also realized he has a shit ton of money, probably has a kind of good body, is tall, and is a quarterback. In the grand scheme of things, he has a better selection of bitches than she does straight men in C-list Hollywood.

To add insult to injury. Kristin went and pulled a Sex and the City movie homage and did a shoot for Life & Style in a bunch of wedding gowns and gave an interview about her engagement and whatnot. A few days later, Jay reportedly dumped her ass and no one apparently thought to inform the editors at Life & Style about this whole situation. Or, if they did, the editors said "fuck you, this is tabloid gold".

The issue came out, with bitch all dressed up and no wedding to be had. Part of me feels bad for her, because breakups blow, but seriously, who hasn't watched Sex and the City? The writing was on the wall with this one.

Now rumor has it that Jay wants Kristin back. I never understood the going back to an ex thing. I have never, ever gone back to an ex, either one I dumped or one I've been dumped by. To be fair, none that I've ever been dumped by has come crawling back, much to my own dismay. My ex lacrosse player once asked me if I would "cheat on my next boyfriend" with him, but I don't think that counts as wanting me back, I think it counts as him being a douschenozzle. Just saying. So Id on't understand this whole break up and get back together thing. Do you really want to marry someone who fucking embarrassed the fuck out of you by allowing you to go pose in fake wedded bliss and then dumping your ass? I mean, are you telling me Jay Cutler didn't know that she was doing this shoot? That, oh I don't know, maybe he shouldn't have waited the four fucking days after she tried on like 10 gowns in front of a camera to end things? Please. I know all about men putting off the breakup because they are too chicken shit to do it. DC dbag was like that. Too much of a pussy to come out and say it, so he just hid like a hooded penis little bitch until I called him out on it. Sorry, but no. I don't particularly like this chick, but I also don't particularly like guys who don't care enough to prevent more hurt than necessary by being upfront at the right time. And I'm pretty sure the right time was before bitch put on a wedding dress for the paps.

Also, let me just say, that this photo editor should win an award for photoshopping. Cutler is almost unrecognizable in this picture, and something tells me it isn't just the lack of Beiber bangs that made him look not inbred.

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