Monday, October 10, 2011

And I'm Still Single HOW?


Ahhh, what a lovely face to wake up to on a Monday morning, right? Don't worry, you can thank me later.

As I mentioned last Thursday, queen of the gold diggers and Tiger Woods #1 sidepiece, Rachel Uchitel, apparently convinced someone to marry her. Again. For a third time (because she was engaged once and then married later). How is it this woman can get three fucking wedding proposals, and I can't get a guy to offer to buy me a THIRD FUCKING BEER?

Then again, part of me thinks the quality of men she was lusting after wasn't really in my ball park of dude's I'd bang, let alone dude's I'd bang for the rest of my life. Though I don't like saying anything bad about her first fiance because he died in 9/11 and that's just not shit you rag on, regardless. Even I'm not that heartless, so I'll leave that assumption alone.

Anyway, back to the fuckery at hand. So this bitch, who mind you had to give back all the millions of settlement money she swindled from Tiger Wood's camp to not talk about bumping uglies with the dude who looks like he sells Dell at Best Buy, got married to a guy 10 years her junior who used to play football at Penn State.

....crickets.....

I mean, I counted NCAA lax as kind of a good jersey chasing deal, but you go from like, the most well known golfer in the world to a dude whose claim to fame is.... Penn State football? The only people who like Penn State football are people who go to Penn State. And what the fuck is a Nittany Lion?

Anyway, Rachel and this dude Matt Hahn, got hitched in Vegas at the Little White Chapel, where, Uchitel gushed "everyone from Demi Moore and Bruce Willis to Britney Spears got married". Because who doesn't want to put their eternal love up to the standards of marriage fidelity and loyalty of Bruce Willis, Demi Moore and Britney Spears?

The pair have been dating since March, bitch wore a hideous orange gown that really highlighted her fake tan, and now I have a feeling we'll be hearing about a "no prenup" situation in a few months. Apparently this dude's ex fuck buddy came out on some cheating website to talk about how much he sucked as a human being, because he was supposed to get her tutors or something for school, and then he didn't and apparently when she asked him why he was being such a dick he said "did you think I was going to marry you? I play football for Penn State".

For all the dbags I have fucked in my life, I have never been so humiliated by having a guy try to tell me I was not worthy of his concern or wedding ring because he "played football at Penn State". Like, who is this guy and can I fucking chuck shit at his head?

I mean, you know my feeling on Uchitel. I think she was fucked up post 9/11 and went looking for recovery in all the wrong married arms. I think she is way delusional and all that fake tan has fucking seeped way deep into her hair extensions. I think she's selfish and I think she's a fame whore and I think karma is a bitch. There are few things I wouldn't do in life with an athlete (understatement of the year), and fuck a married one on the constant is one of them. I think this lady is way out of her mind and I think it's sad that she apparently has no one to pull her back in to some sort of reality situation.

Bitch, you couldn't even keep the 10 million dollars you hustled because you couldn't keep your fucking mouth shut for like, 7 seconds. If all of society is going to hate you, at least figure out how to keep the god damn money!

I just think this bitch went after 2 dudes who were married, she's due for a little karma. I mean, I know people fall in and out of love and get divorced and shit. But when dude isn't getting divorced, how do you keep that shit up? If anyone, ANYONE knows how hard it is to find a normal dude within a 500 mile perimeter, it's Stef Williams. I know, okay, read the last post, 3:1 girl to guy ratio where I live. I have a better chance of getting picked to speak at an Abstinence Only convention than meeting a normal, single, relationship-viable dude. And yet even I don't fuck the married ones. I have no sympathy for a chick who has done it at least twice in her life. Back off bitch, seriously! It's called Match.com, TRY IT SOME TIME.

This dude is 26. He ain't in it for the long haul, and when the fame and money run out, he's peacing the fuck out. I'd put money on it.

Uchitel gives jersey chasers a bad name in the sense that she is all over the fucking map. I've been there, done shit, and you gotta have a bit of self awareness that she just doesn't possess. There is so much shit she could have done in the last few years to like, better herself and her public image, and she's done nothing but fuck it up even more. She bothers me. Her hair bothers me. And the fact that she is now married to a guy who brags about once playing football at Penn State seems fitting to me.

Over under on the divorce? I give it 7 months.

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