Tuesday, October 4, 2011

A hotdog with a bun

All I kept thinking with this post title was that stupid movie with Mandy Moore, Because I Said So. But it fits and I'm tired and lazy and still examining my, as my friend Dan put it, "Glamour Shots by Deb" CMT pics, so whatever, you've dealt with less original blog titles before. Fuck off.

A long time ago, probably back in April, I got an e-mail about whether most athletes I've banged around the block have been circumcised or uncircumcised (cut or uncut from here on out because I have to respell circumcised four times every time I type it and my spellcheck's getting horny.) I opted not to post about it because at the time, I had never been with a dude with an uncut dick. So how could I determine the difference/have an opinion? To be honest, I had never even known what an uncut one looked like. I had to Google it (erased MY history that day).

But now, thanks to two certain athletes, DC Alvin being one of them, I can safely make an opinionated post about them! Why there's an exclamation point there I have no idea, it's mildly terrifying actually, not exciting.

Anyway, the first time I witnessed this fucking phenomenon was earlier this year with DC Alvin. Fooling around, things are growing great, totally into it, great body, I.......don't know what to do with this.

I literally sat up and put my hands on my knees and looked like he had just given me an advanced calc pop quiz that I didn't have a calculator for. Like, I've seen a lot of penises in my life but it was something I just couldn't jump into (or on for that matter). How does it work? Where does it go? Where is it now? Does that shit peel off? Is it supposed to look like that? Is it supposed to feel like that? I DON'T KNOW. I need a hug.

I still don't get uncut dicks. One, I don't get why you wouldn't. I mean, I know when you have a kid you like, don't really think about how hot his penis is gonna be when he's old enough to bang, or how traumatized his girlfriend might be if there's this whole like, slinky-like layer of skin going on, but really, as someone who has now witnessed the difference, like... why? The Jews got it so right on this one, at least aesthetically.

I feel like guys are a little weirded out by it too. Like, in the locker room, you see a dude and there's this fucking protective shield around his cock, you have to wonder, does he know something I don't? I find it weird that for all the athlete peens I've seen, only two have been peekaboo peens. You'd think it was a greater percentage, right?

I don't know. All I know is I find them confusing. Like, there were a few days with Alvin (this name is killing my drive to ever have sex again, I think I need to change it) where we'd be in bed watching TV and I'd just be like "can I touch it?" just because it was so fucking fascinating. It's like a slinky. Slinky dick. And I was constantly worried I was gonna hurt it. Or like, peel it back. I've heard it feels better for guys because it makes it more sensative, and I didn't really notice a feeling on my end that was different than "please don't turn that way you'll be hitting my liver", so I guess I can't knock them. But I just find exposed and "HERE I AM" penises to be a bit more friendly.

He didn't really give me a warning either. Maybe he didn't think he needed to? I mean, most of my friends have seen them. I was apparently the lone bitch in NYC who had never seen a hooded penis. But like, I'm all into it, kissing his stomach, and then you stop and you're like I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO TOUCH IT with your hands up in surrender mode so as not to break anything. It's just jarring, that's all. It's fucking jarring.

As for whether I think most athletes are cut or uncut - from my thorough experience (oh wow I'm so slutty ha), I would go with the former. And I welcome the normality of that. Maybe it's not as fun to play with, maybe it's not as dramatic when it makes an appearance/graces me with its presence, but it's predictable, simple, nice, ready to go. If it comes down to it, I choose simplicity and to me, the whole "is he in or is he out" and "oh there it is" situation is just too much work for me.

But they are fun to play with at 2 in the afternoon, while you're watching formula 1 racing and not actually sleeping together. One point to uncut dudes for having more entertainment in their non sexual penis than in cut dude's non sexual penis.


  1. This is kind of weird, but as an uncut guy I Just wanted to say thank you for expressing your opinion in a respectful way. You wouldn't believe how many women hate on the uncut penis even though they've never tried it, or have these crazy ideas that all uncut guys are dirty/diseased because they had one bad experience. It gets tiresome after a while. If you don't like how it looks or how it works, that's personal preference and I'm not going to argue with that.

    The warning thing is interesting - I've gone back and forth on that. It's hard to time it properly - e.g. not exactly the right thing to bring up on a first date - "By the way I'm uncircumcised, that's ok with you right? For when we're having sex later?". It can also make you seem insecure about it, even if you're not. But if the girl's never seen one before she'll definitely appreciate the heads up. Tricky, tricky.

  2. Thanks for a balanced post about this topic. I was an uncircumcised guy until I met my wife. She as you, appreciated the variation but ultimately preferred the "normality of a circumcised penis" as you eloquently wrote it. So I got the snip and let her chose when and what style of circumcision to be applied. Some friends of mine thinks I'm crazy but to me this was an important act of respect before getting married and it's really so much better being circumcised!