Monday, October 17, 2011

"Tell him"

Ohhh good GOD I have no love for Mondays. I have one week until I head out to LA and I feel like this week is just gonna crawl. You know when you're really really really looking forward to something, and one week feels like 7 months? Lame.

Anyway, I'll try and avoid my Monday boohoos and get some kind of sensible post out. I watched this skit on SNL on Saturday (yes, I am one of the few people left who occassionally still watches SNL) and it hit home in an "oh my god it's funny because it's so God damn true" way.

Here's the skit, I'll let you watch for yourself.

I mean, outside of some of the funnier parts ("tell him, that, you're nat-ur-ally hairless"), how true is this shit? I mean, I used to think it was just with athletes because come on, athletes usually have the pick of the litter. So you gotta step up your game and lie a little bit about your coolness. But then when I went on dates with "normal" dudes, I started to realize, the fuck, this is kind of the standard now?

What happened to dudes who took you out to dinner and like....worked for a little nookie? Now, I feel like if I don't tell a guy I love non-commital sex, that I don't want kids (half truth), and that I love being single, I have no shot of ever seeing him again. Where is there logic in that?

I laughed at the part where Kristen Wiig was like "he told me I was the chillest girl he had ever met, and then he said he'd call me". Do you know how many times this has happened to me? Like, I get a guy to admit it's pretty fucking awesome to meet a girl who likes sex sports and Belgian beers, and I feel like I'm awesome, and then HE NEVER CALLS ME.

Guys expect way too much up front from bitches these days, and I think I'm starting to get the brunt of that movement. Like, chivalry is dead among guys who aren't mutants. The only guys who still practice chivalry are little Jewish dudes who are desperate to get married to a nice Jewish girl. Even ugly geeky guys have this new feeling of "i deserve everything" thanks to the likes of the Seth Roegans and Jason Segels of the world. In real life, would Mila Kunis ever fuck Jason Segel? I mean, these movies empower these guys who have NOTHING to offer not only to be dicks to women who are out of their league, but to expect shit like "laid backness" and "constant waxing" and anal sex from these girls. It's beyond ridiculous and this is why dating blows now a days.

I mean, even a guy I went out with recently. He was nothing, I repeat NOTHING to look at. Short. Nerdy. pole up his assish. I gave him a shot. What does he do? Brag. And insult. He was so bad if I had a word bubble above my head like they have in Blind Date, it would have just constantly said "THE FUCK?". I mean, this guy brought nothing to the table, and still seemed to think I should be interested. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is every dbag in NYC like him?

Look, again, I hate getting all feminist on you because really, that's gross. I shave my legs, I get waxed, I wear makeup, I own only bras that have enough padding to be bullet proof. But why am I putting shit out there to be "chill" when a guy is bringing jack shit to the table? Why am I expected to be "chill"? Why can't I just be datable? And why are we letting gross dudes who have nothing to offer make these kind of demands, like they are owed such awesomeness?

Fuck this Occupy Wall St shit. Can't we get together as women and like, take back our pride and standards? Can't I save my anal sex and deep throat skills for a guy who, I don't know, deserves it? Why do I have to lay all my skills and abilities out on the table for guys who yell at me for not drinking red wine? Why do I feel like I'm competing with porn stars for this guy's affection when in reality, 5 years ago I wouldn't have looked twice at him in college and the only reason I'm looking at him now is because people tell me the ugly ones will treat you well?

Fuck it dude, I'd rather put my skills to use for an athlete with a story and a skill and a body that I can be proud of banging. Boys of NYC, you have been warned. Time to bring your own skills to the table.


  1. Sooo damn spot on with this post...Maybe girls lower their standards on guys personalities which is why you notice a lot of nerdy looking guys with attractive girls or girls "out of their leagues" nowadays? I don't know I wonder the same thing and this is coming from a guy...

    Keep up the good writing.

  2. I agree with you on the movies making loser guys think they have a chance with girls out of their league. You are spot on. As far as the whole chivalry thing, Its not dead yet. Well it sucks but girls have to remain mysterious the first 15 dates to get a guy hooked. I use to be myself and real and tell my life story on dates or be honest and let them know I am sexually confident, etc, but that only hurts your chances and guys really want you to ask them about themselves or keep light conversation(news, sports, current events, music, movies) so they leave the date wondering about you and wanting to get to know more about you. I had to force myself to be quiet and not talk so much...its not being submissive it's just making a choice to get the upper hand for once by playing the game which is remaining a challenge to the guy you are on a date with. For a while I refused to play the game and thought it was ridiculous that you have to put up a front that you are too busy to see them or not that interested in them, but in the end TRUST me, it always works!=)