Thursday, October 13, 2011

Trending - Lacrosstitutes





So for those of you who have been following me since day one, I think you've come to realize the blog is more than just sordid sex stories. It's my life, my loves, my tears, my batshit crazy behavior, my friends, my family, and my opinions about assholes like Rachel Uchitel.

When I started the blog, I never wanted it to be one run on sentence about sex I've had. For this to work, for this to be what it has become for me, it had to be genuine. It had to be funny. It had to be more than "fucking". It had to be laughs and "what the fuck" moments and honesty. I had to be self deprecating while at the same time being proud as shit about the random things I did in order to fuck an athlete or hang out with a baseball player or bag a hockey player or get free tickets to a good game. It had to be about so much more than the sex. And I think I've done a fair job doing that. I think I've shown that a woman can be proud of her sex life without bragging about it. Without being totally brash. While still being relatable and funny and a little bit endearing. While still acknowledging the mistakes she's made along the way, even if they've been really fucking awesome (like flying to France to fuck a hot soccer player).

With that said, I give you The Laxtitutes. I won't link, but I'm sure you can easily Google the blog.

A few people have brought this very, very newborn blog to my attention. I read the first few posts, and I contemplated whether or not I wanted to bring it up. One, I don't really ever try to judge other people's blogs. Because tons of people judge mine, and I don't give a shit. I write what I write because I love it and it's become a huge part of my life the last year. It has made me a better person. It has helped me figure out my life a little bit better, and to be honest, it's made me a lot fucking funnier. So I don't ever really knock people for how or what they write about. Two, while this might be tooting my own tits, yeah, I think there's a lot left to be desired and I do it much better.

Look, read it for yourself and make an opinion. All I know is these girls are fishing to be something and in my opinion, not pulling it off. You wanna share your sex stories with the world, all the fucking power to you. Do you really think I'd ever knock that? It's what I do for a living. But somewhere down the line, like I said, it has to be more than just the sex. It has to be more than obnoxious word vomit about someone you fucked. There has to be more there than "oh my god he pissed all over the bed and i was like don't you remember and he was like no i don't remember and i was like how can you not remember and he was like oh my god i was so drunk." Who the fuck wants to read that? I gave up legit halfway through that post because Access Hollywood came on. That post was less entertaining than fucking Access Hollywood.

That's not a story. That's a stereotype that goes to the heart of every fucking "Scary Movie" script.

Look, these girls wanna fuck their lax teams, kudos to them. Been there, still sometimes do that. You know how I feel about Maryland lax. Those fuckers made college the best four years of my life. But from what I've seen of these girls' posts, they are nothing more than girls who wanna brag. And they aren't even doing it right.

What I'm asking is, what is the point? Why are they writing it? To brag? To boast? To make people laugh? To make people jealous? To keep a record? To encourage other people? What is the point? To shock people? To try to do what me and Tucker Max do? To try to be above it? What? What is it? That's what I don't get. There is nothing remotely of substance there that anyone can take away, and if I have one piece of advice for these girls, it's if you don't even know why you're writing it, no one will care enough to figure it out for you.

I spend my life on my computer. I spent the last year popping Zannies and having shit left on my windshield and explaining it on first dates and then NOT getting second dates and dealing with the crazy cookbook lady from Alan Colmes' show, giving everything I have to make this blog work, and it's because I love what I do. It's because I couldn't imagine not having this voice or sharing these stories or being honest with people about the life I've lead and the things I've experienced. It's not a crock of shit I'm selling here - it's honesty. It's shit a lot of people think but most are too fucking embarrassed to admit. It's stories so many people go through, and it's a piece of me that means more than you can ever know. It's figuring out my life as it's happening and full on admitting hey, sometimes I fuck up when it comes to sex or love or putting the condom on backwards. I fuck up! And I can still laugh about it after.

So when I see girls, who are probably in college and want to be the next Tucker Max or fucking, Karen Owen, putting this shit on the internet for no solid purpose, I can't give props. I can't salute it. I would love to, I would love to say "hey now, here are some other like minded ladies", but I can't with this one. There is such an element of personality lacking in that blog, at least in the first few posts, that I felt like I was reading a Cinemax soft core porn script. There is no heart in that, and honestly, if you're gonna write about dirty, raunchy, funny, sex, you have to have heart somewhere in there.

I refuse to commend a bad carbon copy of what I do. It's not jealousy or bitterness, it's not me being old news or feeling outdated. I'm sure if the girls read this, they'll probably write something snarky about me and that's cool - who hasn't at this point? All I'm saying is if you're going to sell sex this way, you gotta be real. You have to have personality and by fuck you have to have a God damn sense of humor. To me, there's no humor in that blog - there's a whole lot of desperation that they are attempting to play off as bravado.

I remember the first proposal I ever wrote for my book last year. And I remember working so hard to make it what publishers would want. And every publisher I submitted to came back with the same response:

"I wanted it to be funny, but it just felt sad to me".

Why did it feel sad? Because I tried to be something I wasn't. I tried to be Tucker Max, I tried to be poignant while at the same time trying to act like I didn't really give a shit and I was all badass and thinking with my vagina.

It wreaked of desperation and denial. And publishers saw it. There was no honesty in my original manuscript or my original proposal. It was all sex sex sex sex fucking sex drinking puking fuck sex sex sex blowjobs sex. And I mean, while the blog and book still are 87% that shit, there's also a little bit of love. And friendship. And heartbreak. And life.

And that's when I changed shit up. That's when I said fuck it, I'll put it all out there because while I love sex and fucking and banging and getting naked and laughing about it afterward, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it's not so funny. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's not about the sex but about the friendships or the feelings after or the pregnancy fear or the "Tyler wasn't his name but I called him that the whole time we fucked my bad." Sometimes the sex is the novelty of the actual interesting part of the whole thing. And by acting like none of that existed, by just writing about the actual act of fucking, it made me look like I never knew what I was really doing. It made it seem like I was just another clueless airhead who fucked so guys liked her but denied that fact. And that's how these girls come off. Sad.

You're gonna sing the praises of being a lacrosstitute, be my guest. Hell, the University of Maryland basically paid me to be an official one (holler, world's greatest manager 2005). But figure out that the reason people will ever care about what you have to say about your own sex life, is because you care too.

Take a backseat ladies, while being 25 feels mighty old, the perspective I have from here is far greater than the self-importance and denial you're putting out right now. Take it from someone who has been there, and is still there. It's not about the sex all the time, even when it's all about the sex.

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