Monday, April 30, 2012

I don't really do the early thing

Fuck dude, I forgot how much it sucks to try to get a blog in during the morning shift at work. Also, after having the last week off, I forgot how much morning shifts at work suck. Also, after legit SHATTERING my iphone last night and having to spend 150 to replace it at 1230 on 59th street? Ugh, plus sickness. Fuck the dude who managed to spread springtime Flu to half the people I know. I haven't even made out with anyone Maybe. Define recently (if you asked the last guy I cared about, he wouldn't be able to, but that's neither here nor there. Sorry, had to).

For a while during the last few months I started thinking my Jersey Chasing life was becoming a.) not that fun mainly because of who I was 'chasing' and b.) more of a typical New York one. I went to brunch, I wore pashmenas (I don't think that's spelled right and I don't really give a shit). I became an epic Ranger Fan (heh), pushed some extra shifts at work. Went on a few dates, one of which ended with me legit being the dude and kicking the guy out of my bed at 7 in the morning. For multiple reasons. Nice guy but I'm not a morning sex person and honestly, it was like that scene in He's Just Not That Into You where dude fro Entourage has his leg over Scarlett Johannsson. Not my thing.

But yah, I started to feel like because I was holding out for baseball dude for so long, I put myself on the backburner, my jersey chasing days were over. And then the other night when I was talking to Mike (adorable writer and actor kid who did This Thing With Sarah), and as I was having an epic e-mail convo with Adam Duritz (it sounds like I'm trying to drop names but let's be real here, I'm just explaining in all honesty because it's not 1996 or even 2002), I started to figure some shit out. How much shit has changed. Not the jersey chasing so much, because I think there will always, ALWAYS be a part of me that likes the athlete. Some girls like brunettes, some girls like guys with big muscles, something about the athlete will always get me.

But I think recently with the whole onslaught of the "growing up" bullshit some people suggest I try doing (love my sister for trying to get me a property management position in Queens for 50k a year, but I'm not Asian and I don't think I'd make a good landlord), I've realized how much the JCing has changed. How much it's gone from just fun one nighters or on the regs to actually wanting shit to come out of it. I WANTED it to work with baseballer. And as much as I hate harping on him, because he already stole so much of the last eight months (and I allowed him to, I'll wear that), I wanted it to work. I wanted to actually date him, and yah, I did love him, and yah, I wanted to be "it". And that's what is starting to change with my JCing a bit. The want for it to come to an epic end.

Don't get me wrong. There's been one recent athlete who is very good at what he does and is very fun to be around and I couldn't date him even if I wanted to, which I don't. I simply enjoy his friendship and his outlooks and some other shit about hi that shall remain unsaid. So yeah, I guess the 20 year old me is still in there looking to have a good time and find a rebound that reminds me dudes like baseball player ARE a dime a dozen in the grand scheme and that sometimes, it's more important to have fun than try to change yourself to be with someone. 

But there's definitely this want of it to come to a conclusion. Some sort of happy ending where I can look back on this shit, this book, this blog, this life and be like I busted my fucking ass and FINALLY got what I want. Most women (and men for that matter) would say why the fuck would I want that life, the travel, the cheating, the distance, etc, but if you've read the blog, you know that's me. I live at airports, I enjoy the thrill, and I find the ones I feel like I can trust. Baseballer was a lot of things, but I doubt if things worked out, he'd have cheated. He might have "omitted" his relationship in recent weeks, but that was simply him being a dbag and not giving a shit that I was all "hey let's fix this" and he was all "hey I'm fucking and loving on someone else I was too pussy to tell you". I pick a lot of asshole dudes in my life, but cheaters have been rare in terms of my serious relationships. In fact, I don't think I have been cheated on, and if I have, welp, he did a fab job because I had no idea. 

When I was hashing out one of the many ideas of how to get this shit on film the other night, this was m mini brainstorm. The progression of where this idea has started from and where it is now and where it'll end in y fictional version of my life (I'd obv end up with Derek Jeter, let's be real). And yeah, I'm at that point where I'm getting to an age (fuck that sounds awful) where the fun is still there, but it's not just about that anymore. It's not just about the stories. It's about finding it all and keeping it for once, the way I wanted to with DCer (remember him?) and the way I wanted to with baseballer. There was more to it than the sex and the story, and that's what's changing as I get older. I'm looking for what sticks a bit more, which to some dudes is scary as shit. And to others, it maybe makes up a bit for the fact that hey, I simply have a thing for athletes. It doesn't mean I don't love YOU specifically, just like if I was into blondes (which I'm not) I wouldn't be dating you JUST because you were a blonde. That'd be fucking creepy. 

Will it work out? I have no idea. I mean, it hasn't as of yet and the line of progression hasn't been the most successful of the dating world, but I look at some people who are in relationships and aren't happy but just need to be with someone, and I'd rather wait it out, just a bit longer. I don't think it's that shitty to want what you want and go after it, and I think I have an idea of what I want, even though it's hard to explain. My sister thinks it's money, my mom thinks it's fame, I just think it's success and feeling like with all this other shit going on in their life, there's something I got that they need and want too. It's the pisces in e, the need to be needed. I'm not a fan of that trait, because it's about being recognized by someone else and not yourself all the time, but it is who I am. I'm working on it, but until then, I have my eye on a few boys, baseball (not the old one, a new one) is up there, I will always love hockey, and there's something about ex lacrosse dudes that still gets me....we'll see what happens.

Alright, I gotta leave in a half hour, heat's not on, my apartment is like -7 degrees, I'm sick and my nose hurts and I gotta bolt. I'm thinking of doing a vlog at some point (I used to say that a lot and never really did one) just to avoid the 20 minutes of typing and to show off how fast my hair grows back. We'll see. Working on some new topics.

Happy Monday kids. 

Sunday, April 29, 2012

We all want something beautiful...

Also, I have to. I just have to. On behalf of my 16 year old self, and Adam Duritz being so effing cool and helpful, I just have to. Take me back to 1993, because this shit is awesome on so many levels. 

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Wicked Ahhsome

The amout of money I spent on a two day weekend to Boston, borderline obscene. But well worth it. Considering I was booked to go down south for Asshole Who Shall Not Be Named (Harry Potter can be referenced everywhere in my life), I figured going the opposite direction would be healthy, and it was. Went to the Bell in Hand last night, got pretty drunk, danced, had a great time, did the Bostonian thing, rocked some Yankees gear and now I'm sitting in my hotel room which is pretty fucking nice tying to figure out what movie to watch as I do some writing (aside from this post).

There could be worse places to be in life, and despite the fact that last Sunday I legit felt the lowest I've felt in a very long time (eight months of my life wasted and basically becoming non-existant, realizing the person you care about wasn't real to begin with, not a fun feeling, on top of the fact that I drunkenly fell after Opening Day at Yankee Stadium and had to get stitches, pictures to the right, it looks like I'm married to Chris Brown), I just keep reminding myself that you never want to be with someone who could treat another person that way. Because that means it's always in them and that's just not who I am. So here I am, in Boston, figuring it out.

That would have been my big story I spoke about last week - flying far to try to fix something I thought was fixable, having a "Notting Hill" moment of being a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her. But, as he said (and sometimes he get shit right), life ain't a movie and this baseballer definitely isn't Hugh Grant. I wish I had that story to tell, but I don't, so I'll ramble about some other things.

I don't know if it's because I'm getting older (26 is really hitting me in ways I never thought), but when I decided to pick the blog back up, I made a decision not to be so....ehhh, forthcoming with the guys I'm currently with. Outside of baseball dbag, whom it might take a while to write out of me, the rest of them, those I think will stay to myself. And yes, there have been some other athletes. In the interim of four months of waiting for baseball to give me an option to fix whatever it was that broke between us, I met other guys. None I'd want to date, quite a few that have girlfriends (God, cheating just doesn't change no matter how old you get), but guys who I guess gave me certain things that baseballer never did. And I don't want to blow them up. They're fun and I like having them around and they know about the blog. So while I still might chronicle my dating and life in general fails, I'm going to try to keep the identity part of it at a minimum. 

Like I said, maybe it's because I'm 26 and I'm getting to a point where like... I just want something to stick and I thought bballer would, that I just kind of don't give a shit. Living in the city, being in my mid (god help me) 20s, and as baseballer so poetically said to me after he laughed at me while I cried (great guy), I'm in the same position for the 60th time. Well, he thinks 60th, but let's not get extreme. And honestly, I'm glad he is proud to now be part of the group of guys who took advantage and threw me aside when a new chick came around. That must be a real great accomplishment dude...getting thrown in a pile of guys who were so mean to me they laughed while I cried. Bragging rights? I think so!

Anyway, I decided to try to do everything in my power to go against my Piscean nature and focus on me. Not on my relationships, not on the guys I want to be with who put no effort toward me, and not on their careers. But on me. So I picked up the blog again, because I really do love writing this shit and I hated that I felt like I gave it up to "prove" something to baseballer. I started writing again. I started looking through all of my old articles, my pictures, who I was. Who I enjoyed being. I looked at myself in the mirror the other day, and despite my own health issue (those shall remain private), I mean... I weigh 99 lbs. Until I finally caved to fake and baking, I looked like Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice. I had this look of sadness that I just didn't have when I was focused last year, when I was writing the book, doin the cover shoot, giving the interviews. I watched that interview I did with David Pakman the other day and I was like Jesus, I looked great. I feel like the last eight months of loving someone who didn't have the balls to tell me to fuck off, of being the girl who didn't have her OWN balls to tell that dude to fuck off, took something out of me, and I'm trying to get it back, and picking the blog up is my first step.Growing my hair back out is the 2nd bit, because I chopped off 9 inches in February and donated it and I swear to God, you would have sworn someone cut off my arm. I cried for days. It's finally growing back and by summer it'll be fine, but if you want advice, if you're looking to change something to get over a guy who makes you sad, DON'T CUT OFF YOUR HAIR. This was it a few days after, but the way I'm angling my head makes it look way longer than it was. The shortest piece was at the top of my ear, longest piece was at my chin. I wanted to die.

So I started writing again. And then I started thinking about how I could keep pushing this. I watched the show Girls on HBO recently and my best friend Christine said "Stef, this is what you need to do." And I started thinking about it. How easy it would be to turn these stories, this life into a show or a movie. No, not some egotistical bullshit about a little brunette named Stef who writes dirty stories and laughs about it. I mean, yah I love being me but there alway has been so much more to it. And at 26, trying to figure out the past I don't know, almost 10 years of my life, athletes (and actors ha) or not, I feel like there's a lot there that other people are trying to figure out too. The breakups, the love, the sports, the really really bad sex, the desire to find more in a relationship that isn't really there, the really, really bad sex, being in New York, watching my friends slowly all cave to relationships moving in together and getting engaged, and still chasing the jerseys. But is it the same anymore? Do I do it for the same reason? Did I love baseballer for the same reason I loved/liked the laxers in college? No, I don't think so. So what changed and what changed the same?

So I see this in movie form, or show form. I still see the potential in it. And after Counting Crows and Adam Duritz decided to read my book, check out the blog and Tweet about it (somehow that would be so much cooler if it were 1996), more people drew an interest. He liked it. He complimented it. And I know I'm not the only one who sees the potential.

So then I reached out and took a shot. As most of you know, I love lax. And I am friends with basically every guy who played lacrosse from 1999-present on Facebook, even if I don't know them. There happened to be one I added a while ago I had never spoken to, who picked up after college, moved to LA and started doing the movie thing. Started a production company. And just finished a feature that is all sorts of adorable. Like, 500 Days of Summer meets the OC. And so I reached out, gave him the material, and while he might have been bullshitting the fuck out of me, he said he saw it too. And I'm hoping he can help me, help me write it, help me develop it, help me pitch it. And the fact that he's a former laxer, ah, c'mon. He probably knows all the stories already. Did I mention he is all sorts of cute too? Just throwing it out there...Regardless, even if he decides he can't or doesn't want to be part of it, speaking to him the other night gave me the confidence that you know what, despite all the spelling and grammar errors and my constant use of the word fuck, and my complete lack of understanding of what HTML is, the writing, it's there. And I know I can do something with it. I just have to keep pushing and not allow some dipshit, be he a Triple A baller player, a serious NHL star, or a fucking dude who works for CitiGroup, make me think what I want to do is stupid, shitty or unattractive because it's about sex and shamelessness. 

So that's where I'm at right now. Banging around every now and then with some athletes that have been way fun lately to watch (because unlike baseballer, I fuck around and date to try new things and have fun, my bad), back to writing, back to trying to find a guy who doesn't treat me like a throw away for 8 months, back to trying to show the world (this time via something visual) that having sex and having fun and making mistakes and getting hurt and falling love with all the wrong guys... it's part of it. And I'm hoping my new buddy Mike can help me do that somehow. And if he can't, maybe someone else can. But I will promise you this. The way I'm feeling right now, baseballer is the last guy I will let make me feel like I have to give up parts of myself, change my life, my outlooks, the things I believe in, just for him to be with him. And that includes the blog and the attempt to make it into something I really believe it could be. 

Alright, this ramble is way long enough, I'm gonna go catch up with my mom because I'm a 26 year old with the needs of a 5 year old, watch 500 Days of Summer, remind myself for the 800th time that after JGL gets dumped by Zooey DeChanel and she gets married, he ends up with Minka Kelly, so here's to hoping baseballer marries this new girl and I end up with the male Minka Kelly. 

Oh, and for good measure, here's my friend Mike's trailer for his new film. Seriously, check it out, you'll totally fall in love. He wrote it, I believe directed it and stars in it. Is he not so freaking adorable? 

This Thing with Sarah

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Song of the Day

While it's kind of a saddish song, the truth is, after the last two days of unceremoniously coming in 2nd place to some random girl and feeling like absolute dogshit that I allowed such a jackass to make me feel that way, today was an amazing day on so many levels, particularly blog writing and guy wise. I'm in a good place and I don't know if it's because for the first time in a long time I remember what it's like to not feel like I have to prove myself to a guy who never proved himself to me, or if I'm just happy to finally find love an happiness in the things he took away from me for so long, but it's a good day and this song is catchy as fuck. Welcome to it kids. 

Oh, and sidenote, this is what happiness looks like, particularly without a dbag man in your life - 10 dollar  Hoegaardens, field level seats, a beautiful day and three amazing friends at opening day at Yankee Stadium. Cheers to things having no option than being better than the last few months. 

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Welcome Back

Hi kids-

Had to laugh at the recent hit from a celebrity blog where someone linked one of my posts. Got me back in the groove and didn't want a bunch of new readers to simply see my depressing last post about baseballer.

Lots going on in the life, and I think in the next week there will be one big epic story that I'll have to work out. I'm covering a shit ton of shifts at work and then have a week off to figure out how to proceed, but I think I might get back on the blog bandwagon. I'm feeling inspired.

Regardless, a big hello and welcome to all the newbies and a big welcome back to all the loyals who continued to send me e-mails while I was having mini-brakdown number two this year over a boy. Be on the lookout for some new stuff. Might shift away from just Jersey Chasing and into actual life shit, but I won't make any promises. There will always be a hint of JCing in me. :)

Be back soon.