Monday, April 30, 2012

I don't really do the early thing

Fuck dude, I forgot how much it sucks to try to get a blog in during the morning shift at work. Also, after having the last week off, I forgot how much morning shifts at work suck. Also, after legit SHATTERING my iphone last night and having to spend 150 to replace it at 1230 on 59th street? Ugh, plus sickness. Fuck the dude who managed to spread springtime Flu to half the people I know. I haven't even made out with anyone Maybe. Define recently (if you asked the last guy I cared about, he wouldn't be able to, but that's neither here nor there. Sorry, had to).

For a while during the last few months I started thinking my Jersey Chasing life was becoming a.) not that fun mainly because of who I was 'chasing' and b.) more of a typical New York one. I went to brunch, I wore pashmenas (I don't think that's spelled right and I don't really give a shit). I became an epic Ranger Fan (heh), pushed some extra shifts at work. Went on a few dates, one of which ended with me legit being the dude and kicking the guy out of my bed at 7 in the morning. For multiple reasons. Nice guy but I'm not a morning sex person and honestly, it was like that scene in He's Just Not That Into You where dude fro Entourage has his leg over Scarlett Johannsson. Not my thing.

But yah, I started to feel like because I was holding out for baseball dude for so long, I put myself on the backburner, my jersey chasing days were over. And then the other night when I was talking to Mike (adorable writer and actor kid who did This Thing With Sarah), and as I was having an epic e-mail convo with Adam Duritz (it sounds like I'm trying to drop names but let's be real here, I'm just explaining in all honesty because it's not 1996 or even 2002), I started to figure some shit out. How much shit has changed. Not the jersey chasing so much, because I think there will always, ALWAYS be a part of me that likes the athlete. Some girls like brunettes, some girls like guys with big muscles, something about the athlete will always get me.

But I think recently with the whole onslaught of the "growing up" bullshit some people suggest I try doing (love my sister for trying to get me a property management position in Queens for 50k a year, but I'm not Asian and I don't think I'd make a good landlord), I've realized how much the JCing has changed. How much it's gone from just fun one nighters or on the regs to actually wanting shit to come out of it. I WANTED it to work with baseballer. And as much as I hate harping on him, because he already stole so much of the last eight months (and I allowed him to, I'll wear that), I wanted it to work. I wanted to actually date him, and yah, I did love him, and yah, I wanted to be "it". And that's what is starting to change with my JCing a bit. The want for it to come to an epic end.

Don't get me wrong. There's been one recent athlete who is very good at what he does and is very fun to be around and I couldn't date him even if I wanted to, which I don't. I simply enjoy his friendship and his outlooks and some other shit about hi that shall remain unsaid. So yeah, I guess the 20 year old me is still in there looking to have a good time and find a rebound that reminds me dudes like baseball player ARE a dime a dozen in the grand scheme and that sometimes, it's more important to have fun than try to change yourself to be with someone. 

But there's definitely this want of it to come to a conclusion. Some sort of happy ending where I can look back on this shit, this book, this blog, this life and be like I busted my fucking ass and FINALLY got what I want. Most women (and men for that matter) would say why the fuck would I want that life, the travel, the cheating, the distance, etc, but if you've read the blog, you know that's me. I live at airports, I enjoy the thrill, and I find the ones I feel like I can trust. Baseballer was a lot of things, but I doubt if things worked out, he'd have cheated. He might have "omitted" his relationship in recent weeks, but that was simply him being a dbag and not giving a shit that I was all "hey let's fix this" and he was all "hey I'm fucking and loving on someone else I was too pussy to tell you". I pick a lot of asshole dudes in my life, but cheaters have been rare in terms of my serious relationships. In fact, I don't think I have been cheated on, and if I have, welp, he did a fab job because I had no idea. 

When I was hashing out one of the many ideas of how to get this shit on film the other night, this was m mini brainstorm. The progression of where this idea has started from and where it is now and where it'll end in y fictional version of my life (I'd obv end up with Derek Jeter, let's be real). And yeah, I'm at that point where I'm getting to an age (fuck that sounds awful) where the fun is still there, but it's not just about that anymore. It's not just about the stories. It's about finding it all and keeping it for once, the way I wanted to with DCer (remember him?) and the way I wanted to with baseballer. There was more to it than the sex and the story, and that's what's changing as I get older. I'm looking for what sticks a bit more, which to some dudes is scary as shit. And to others, it maybe makes up a bit for the fact that hey, I simply have a thing for athletes. It doesn't mean I don't love YOU specifically, just like if I was into blondes (which I'm not) I wouldn't be dating you JUST because you were a blonde. That'd be fucking creepy. 

Will it work out? I have no idea. I mean, it hasn't as of yet and the line of progression hasn't been the most successful of the dating world, but I look at some people who are in relationships and aren't happy but just need to be with someone, and I'd rather wait it out, just a bit longer. I don't think it's that shitty to want what you want and go after it, and I think I have an idea of what I want, even though it's hard to explain. My sister thinks it's money, my mom thinks it's fame, I just think it's success and feeling like with all this other shit going on in their life, there's something I got that they need and want too. It's the pisces in e, the need to be needed. I'm not a fan of that trait, because it's about being recognized by someone else and not yourself all the time, but it is who I am. I'm working on it, but until then, I have my eye on a few boys, baseball (not the old one, a new one) is up there, I will always love hockey, and there's something about ex lacrosse dudes that still gets me....we'll see what happens.

Alright, I gotta leave in a half hour, heat's not on, my apartment is like -7 degrees, I'm sick and my nose hurts and I gotta bolt. I'm thinking of doing a vlog at some point (I used to say that a lot and never really did one) just to avoid the 20 minutes of typing and to show off how fast my hair grows back. We'll see. Working on some new topics.

Happy Monday kids. 

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