Friday, May 4, 2012

Top Ten NHL Players Who Can Still Win the Cup

Hi kids. Anyone else dying of this flu/pneumonia/bronchitis shit? Thank God I have off, nothing like hacking grossness into people's beers as I serve them.

Anyway, couple decent announcements. Well, one. First, a big thanks to my buddies at Brobible for giving me yet another platform with a couple guest contributions. There will be a new one up on Monday that hopefully will do well. The laxtitutes will love it. It made me feel a bit old but whatever, it's running. Can't wait to see all the snarky "she's a slut" comments, they really made me smile last time, you know how turned on I get for original insults. 

Next up, how the fuck do people not like hockey? Seriously? After the Rangers game the other night, my GOD. Playoff hockey has been pretty epic this year, and I've enjoyed it immensely...for lots of reasons ha. So I decided to do a top ten hottest players still left in the playoffs post. For those of you who follow me on Twitter, if you don't know who is going to solidly nail number one, you clearly don't pay attention. 

First off, I'll start with my absolute favorite Jersey Chaser husband WIN, Mike Fisher. Fisher plays of the Nashville Preds, used to play for Ottawa but something tells me his wife Carrie Underwood (if I could be someone for a day, it'd be her) had a bit to do with his move to Nashville. He's alternate captain for the Preds, and he kind of looks like a budget, brunette Henrik Lundqvist. He's a solid play, having 24 goals and and 27 assists in 72 games for the Preds this year. He seems like a decent guy who doesn't cheat (who the fuck would cheat on Carrie Underwood, seriously) and if they ever broke up, I'd go there. 

Next up, very few things worth a damn come from LA, but Mike Richards plays there so I guess he sort of counts. Personally, I hate the Kings (and their front runner fans this year), so we'll focus on the fact that  most of Mike Richards' fame came off the ice when he was a Philadelphia Flyer and he had a not so lovey relationship with the Philly media. He had a really bad hit that left him unconscious, and then had some serious accusations thrown his way about his partying lifestyle and the team's inability to win beause of partying. He was notorious for fighting with media hounds and for saying shit he probably shouldn't have been saying as a player, but fuck he looked good doing it. He captained the team regardless of all the shit and the Flyers had a solid run in the playoffs with him as captain. Now, he plays for the Kings, and like I said, all things from LA suck. But I'd still absolutely play naked with him and deal with his partying ways to do so.

Zach Parise. I know. I know. It's Jersey. But there are pictures of ZP from the Vancouver Olympics, and with the throwback USA jerseys....I couldn't not. Plus, there really wasn't a whole load of options on the Devils looks wise. I feel like the longer Parise lives in NJ (rumor has it he lives in the W in Hoboken), the more Jersey he seems to look. And I don't know what the fuck is going on with his eyebrows in this one picture. I mean, he's captain of the Devils, they've been playing decently, and he scored that epic game tying goal against Canada in the 2010 Olympics that led me to eventually wish terrible things on Sidney Crosby. If he manages to not let the tanning beds and Jerz lifestyle take the good ol' Minnesota boy out of him, I think he'll be just fine, and whatever, don't even lie and say you wouldn't fuck him if you had the chance. I'd LOVE to see what the $7,000 a month rooms look like at the W Hoboken. I've only ever stayed in the "$210 a night" ones with free passes to the Living Room. *baller*.

Brandon Prust. I just like him because he's a big goofy Canadian caveman. He makes hockey fights even more epic, and his speech about hating the Flyers and Hartnell during HBO's 24/7 was pretty solid. He also recently got together with other NHL players for the "You Can Play" program that supports gay youth in hockey programs, and he did a great commercial for them where he obviously said "If you can fight, you can play". Because Prust can fight. Sometimes. Whatever, he's a good dude and I like guys who take time off the ice to go outside the box and him in that video (seen below) made him even hotter. Also, he plays for NY. New York EASILY has the best looking team in the playoffs, and he's a big part of it. 

Karl Alzner plays for the Caps. And he's definitely a ginger, though you can't really tell in some pics. But this epic mustache, coupled with the fact that he's made Hottie Roster of the Week in previous posts, plus he was a fuckin baller in juniors. He helped Canada to a World Junior Championship, with captaincy. He recently signed a two year contract with the Caps, and he plays defense! I love my D men. He's a sneaky ginger and I'd let him be a sneaky ginger with me. 

Alex Pietrangelo has flown under my radar, and I have no idea how. Might be because he plays for the Blues, so already I'm hoping he makes an epic comeback against the Kings, but honestly, he is ADORABLE. He just looks like the kid you want to take home to mom, and then have quiet sex in your bedroom with while she's in the kitchen and you hope you don't get caught. What? Who said that? He's also a dman, which I just will always have a thing for. Seriously, check him out, he is fucking adorable. 

Harry Zolnierczyk (that took me like four minutes to type out, it's pronounced Zolnercheck) is next. Kind of fell in love with this kid when I saw him as one of the rookies on Rangers/Flyers 24/7 on HBO, and then when I realized I think I had met him a few times because he played at Brown when I used to date someone there. He played with my other Brown hockey crush, Aaron Volpatti. I think I'm friends with him on Facebook and I definitely tried to lay weak flirt on him and clearly failed. He kind of reminds me of if Jason Segel were good looking? Is that what I'm seeing? I think so. And honestly, this is the best picture I could find of him on the internet (I refuse to steal people's Facebook pictures because that makes me like, borderline arrestable) because all his actual hockey pictures make him look rabid. On my birthday last year, he signed a $900k contract with the Flyers (not a bad day's pay, thanks Wikipedia), and granted this is kind of cheating because he got reassigned to their AHL team and isn't officially on the playoff roster, he stays because it's my blog and I say so and I took the time to learn how to pronounce his name which means I'd probably bang him. So there.

Patrik Berglund comes next. Honestly, these top three, I might interchange any of them, but my number one has a special palce in my heart because looking back he probably saved me from attempting a serious relationship with a narcissist and he's also got the best hair ever... so it was a tight top three race. But Patrik Berglund, ugh. He, like Karl Alzner, made a Hottie Roster of the Week pot last year as well. And I'm sorry, he's like kind of a Ryan Gosling look alike. I don't do blondes, but dear fucking God I'd do this blonde. How hot does he look in a suit? He's Swedish, he plays left wing, he's eh, okay on the ice, but honestly, I just don't care because he is ridiculously good looking to me. I mean, I want the St. Louis Blues to beat the Kings just to shut up all the people from LA who suck, but I would also like to see them advance so they eventually come to NY and I can somehow convince this kid to have a beer with me. Ugh, Berglund, call me, seriously.

Coming in 2nd, I know most people will think the top two should be switched, but like I said, my number one has a special place in my heart. Number two is arguably the most handsome man in the NHL. Henrik Lundqvist. Epic goalie for the New York Rangers, he could also double as a GQ magazine regular model. He legit looks like he was carved from stone, he is so handsome. When I think hockey players, I think toothless Canadians who look like cavemen and have crooked noses from being in so any fights (basically, I think of Brandon Prust). Somehow, this man is prettier than George Clooney. I think it's probably because he has so much coverage, helmet and padding and he doesn't really get in fights. He protects that beautiful man face. He's also pretty fucking good at what he does. He's made the Rangers top 100 list coming in at number 90, he has more than 40 career shutout wins, and this year he became the first NHL goalie to win 30 games in his first 7 seasons. He also has a twin brother. I know I said I am anti tagteam and threesomes, but if he looks like Hank, I you wouldn't make the exception also?

And finally, my number one. The guy who, like I said, probably saved me from seriously dating the most selfish guy I've met recently (don't ask how), who has the best hair ever, is American, is a foot and a half taller than me and who I'd still fuck even with his creepy conquistador mustache, Brian Boyle. Boyler is so fucking hot, I could die. He is Eddie Cahill from Miracle. He's good, he's had a ridiculous playoff series, even with Ottawa coming after him, and when the Giants beat the Pats in the Super Bowl this year, he lost a bet and had to war Giants gear to skate the next day. It was amazing. He comes form a family of 13 (not shocking that he's Irish eh?) and he playd at BC and did the NHL career the American way. He started out on the Kings but clearly everything in LA sucks and Brian Boyle is better than everything from and in California, so he moved his hot ass to New York and made us all laugh when he dressed as Buddy the Elf on 24/7. He's a good humble dude with a lot of good hockey game and I would let him do anything and everything he wanted to me. Honest offer Boyler, let's do this. I think it's finally time. 


  1. How can you say you hate Kings front runner fans, when you happen to be a Rangers front runner fan yourself?


  2. hahaha appreciate the callout, and I became a front runner for NUMEROUS reasons (Brian Boyle being one) but also the Canucks are out. I'll cheer hometown when my team's out.

  3. i'll fight you to the death for lundqvist! good thing he's your number two cause after that picture impersonating the old spice man that says, "i don't always beat the flyers" (insert beautiful picture of lundqvist with dos equis here) "oh wait, i do", he's all mine. sorry! dedication is being in boston, repping the jersey, and still getting the rangers game on even when the bruins are/were simultaneously playing :) you're on!