Friday, May 30, 2014

Why I Write

Since I'm on a roll this week with actually put new shit on here, I figured I would address this too.

A lot of people ask why I put myself out there so far. With the Twitter stalker a lot of people blamed me because I am very open about my personal life. People ask why I am so forthright about what most people consider taboo topics, personal topics, private dirty laundry you shouldn't want to air. Why do I give someone like that asshole ammunition by being so open in the world?

For that, I simply say it's who I am. I have never been one to hide or lie about problems. Things like suicide and depression, I am so vocal about those issues and my own struggles because as shitty as it is to sit here and say I've been there, I like to think maybe me being open about it will help others who might be struggling with the same thing. I'm not a role model or a spokesperson, my following is limited. But I do have people who read my shit. People who follow me. the occasional new Twitter follower who isn't trying to drag me down ha but instead simply likes the fact that I am who I am. Unabashedly, openly, honestly someone who isn't afraid to admit fucking up. I don't try to pretend I'm perfect, I don't try to pretend I have all the answers, and I will never be ashamed of my life. So if a stupid blog post of rambles about what I've gone through can help other people with depression have a little hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and they're not the only one's suffering, it's worth the pushback online.

Aside from all that altruist shit ha, it's therapeutic for me. Writing about things I've gone through helps me understand them. Helps me deal with them. Some find it shitty, if a story involving a relationship or friendship is involved, but never have I used anyone's name, nor would I. I don't write about such things to punish or to be vindictive, and certainly not to hurt. I do it because that's how I cope with hurt and it's the rare instance in my life where my feelings will come before someone else's whom I care(d) about. I value privacy and I respect privacy, but I don't value pretending someone is better than they are. On the reverse, I believe those who are good and loyal and loving deserve to be recognized, like my friend Karl and my homecoming king friend Conor ha. 

I live and write the way I do because I know how it feels to be alone. I also know the power words can have to convince someone they are not. I might not be a Nobel Prize winner an I might not write the next great American novel. But I like to believe sometimes I write things that help people by making them laugh, or by making them cry. By reminding them others are with them in their struggles and hope for their achievements. Even if we don't know each other. I write because it helps me, and in hopes that it helps others. I write to inform others, and I write to learn about myself. I write because I feel life is worth sharing; the good and the bad parts. I write so I can look back on my life and know I did everything I could when I could, and that if I didn't, I learned how to try harder. I write to remind myself where I've been and where I hope to go. I write because the desire to share my life outweighed the desire to take it. And I hope it does the same for others. 

Read me if you like, me, don't if you don't. But I don't see myself stopping anytime soon. I hope you stick around for the journey.

-Stef

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